It's true: Attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) has strained more than a few romantic relationships. Equally true (though less recognized) is the fact that partners with ADHD are among the most loyal, generous, engaged, and genuinely fun people you could meet.
Adults with ADHD are good with people, creative, flexible, and calm in a crisis, all of which can be beneficial in any relationship. Adults with ADHD can be very engaged as they can hyperfocus on areas of interest, Roberts explains. “This can make the start of a relationship a whirlwind.
For many people affected by ADHD, key symptoms like inattention, forgetfulness, and disorganization negatively affect their relationships. The partners without ADHD can misinterpret their partners' intentions, resulting in increased frustration and resentment.
ADHD is not the kiss of death. The condition, alone, can't make or break a romantic relationship. But, if symptoms of attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) are not properly acknowledged, treated, and accepted, they can — and often do — create or exacerbate marital tensions.
The roots of hyperfocus in ADHD relationships are complex, but the end result is often clear: While some partners may feel smothered, many get swept away by the over-the-top adoration. Then, when the obsessive love fades — or, more commonly, ends abruptly — the other partner feels abandoned and keenly bereft.
Breakups cut deep in the ADHD heart. Our rejection sensitivity intensifies the hurt of being dumped nearly to the point of physical pain. We're also prone to obsessive thinking. A breakup takes over our lives, interrupting our ability to concentrate on anything else.
Symptoms of ADHD that can cause relationship problems
If you have ADHD, you may zone out during conversations, which can make your partner feel ignored and devalued. You may also miss important details or mindlessly agree to something you don't remember later, which can be frustrating to your loved one.
Some people with ADD/ADHD also have trouble maintaining everyday relationships. They often quickly become bored with their romantic partner. When the rush of new love wears off, boredom sets in, they end the relationship and seek out someone new.
As we've discussed, unfortunately, many people with ADHD tend to have a lack of empathy. This can be addressed, though, through identifying and communicating about each other's feelings.
For patients diagnosed with adult ADHD there tends to be a "honeymoon period", where they are really happy with treatment. They are excited and like 'wow I feel great' / 'this is so much better'.
If that felt like a personal call-out, you're not alone. It's a common ADHD experience that I call 'involuntary ghosting' - a phenomenon that describes the disappearing act that happens when ADHDers forget to respond to texts.
Yes, ADD/ADHD people are hard to love, but once you understand the burden they are carrying, your heart will open up. Love and compassion will take the place of anger.
“Opposites Attract”: People with ADHD are attracted to “organized” and joyless workers bees who can keep the trains running for the both of them and who in turn are drawn to their free-spirited ADHD partner's spontaneity and sense of fun.
Advice for Partners of Men with ADHD
Use soft starts in conversations, request rather than demand, and accept that ADHD partners have a right to their opinions, whether or not you like them. Don't set up a dynamic in which your partner feels he can never do well enough for you.
A person with ADHD may find that their mind wanders off during sexual encounters. Distractions in the room or area may increase the risk that they will find their mind wandering. Removing distractions from the room may help allow the person to focus during sex.
“[People with ADHD] often struggle socially because they may miss subtle social cues; lose focus mid-conversation and realize they've not heard most of what the other person has said to them; or they may impulsively make statements which come across as inappropriate or rude without meaning to,” writes Natalia van ...
“The hardest thing about ADHD is that it's 'invisible' to outsiders. It's not like other conditions that people can clearly see. People just assume that we are not being good parents and that our child is a brat, when they don't have an idea how exhausted we truly are.” —Sara C.
Lack of consistency. Toxic communication — such as contempt, criticism, and sarcasm. Controlling behavior and distrust. Abusive — this is also inclusive of emotionally abusive behaviors, such as gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing etc.
It is an attribute common in people with ADHD. Symptoms of hypersensitivity include being highly sensitive to physical (via sound, sight, touch, or smell) and or emotional stimuli and the tendency to be easily overwhelmed by too much information.
Those with ADHD will often have difficulty “reading between the lines” or understanding subtext. It is difficult enough for most to attend to the text of conversations without the additional strain of needing to be aware of the subtext and what the person really means .
Examples of common ADHD texting challenges:
Forgetting to check or reply to messages. Perfectionism; overthinking your texts, sometimes erasing them completely. Misinterpreting tone of voice (sarcasm, joking, etc.) General social anxiety.
Because someone with ADHD may be lacking in stimulation in their prefrontal cortex, they may seek it in ways large and small. This can also play out in the person with ADHD making blunt comments that could unintentionally hurt their partner's feelings. The need for stimulation is high for those with ADHD.