The bottom line is that narcissists are not capable of genuine love or generosity. The narcissist will do anything to control you – including being nice. They may be able to fake it in the beginning, but eventually their true colours will show.
2. They are only generous with money in public. To narcissists, spending large amounts of money on others can be a way to get people to like them. They may be stingy in private, for example, but cover dinner for colleagues or give gifts just for show.
In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn't serve them in some way.1 A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior always has the intent of getting something in return.
They're stingy with money
In other words, if a narcissist spends money on you, it's because they want something from you. Whether it's complimenting them, offering friendship, providing a loan, or giving them a place to crash.
Like other people, if a narcissist reaches a point in life where they are open to exploring the impact they are having in creating problems for themselves and others, they deserve compassion and support in creating positive changes.
Bottom Line. Narcissists can sometimes be helpful and caring. However, more often than not, they only pretend to have these qualities.
This is especially the case with unsolicited and seemingly inappropriate niceness. Narcissists are very nice until they don't get their way. They are great charmers and can get most people to do and accept things that they wouldn't in their wildest dreams imagine themselves doing or accepting.
It is because of this that they may find it difficult to understand other people's feelings or perspectives, a self-centredness that can cause them to act selfishly and exploit others for their own gain. “As narcissists do not have empathy, they are not able to genuinely care or love you,” explains Davey.
If you're in a relationship with a narcissist, you may find that you're sacrificing things for the sake of their needs on a regular basis, but they refuse to do the same for you. It also means they'll do almost anything to others in order to meet their own needs.
They commonly regift items, leave their wallets at home, or refuse to share. Because they don't adhere to social norms, they don't care if people are affected by their cheapness. It's no wonder most narcissists don't have close friends. Narcissists, however, may show off their wealth to other people.
Unexpected Generosity
Narcissists may actually be very “generous.” You may envision a narcissist as a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am type of lover who is only out to have his or her own orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep. Some people fit this description. Others are much the opposite, though.
“Some kinds of narcissists will come across as extremely needy. If there is always a huge problem or drama, everyone has to focus on them—pitying them, running to their rescue, and helping them clean up their messes,” says Ho.
On the other end of the spectrum, however, there are narcissists who don't like their birthdays because they are reminders of ageing, or they find them overly emotional. In these instances, any kind of thoughtful or emotional gesture is likely to be rejected harshly.
But as it turns out, even narcissists have their nuances, and one of them is the capacity for humility. Being humble may sound totally outside the wheelhouses of folks with strong narcissistic tendencies, but research by my colleagues and I suggests that it isn't.
The reason that narcissists are “nice” to others is because they have to maintain a charming, charismatic, and captivating public persona to create a support group that blindly validates their twisted perception of reality while providing them with a consistent flow of validation, admiration, and reassurance.
Narcissists benefit from being with people who will forgive them for being hurtful. They will continuously hurt you, so in order for them to continue in the relationship, they need to be with someone who does not hold grudges. Loyal. Narcissists require loyalty.
Attention-seeking behavior—positive or negative—is essentially narcissistic supply. Wanting attention, accolades, and validation are not inherently narcissistic. We all need to feel heard and accepted, but narcissists crave this attention constantly.
They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively.
Narcissists can love, but this superficial and momentary affection serves as a way to get what they want from others. While their role as caring partners, parents, or friends may appear genuine, a lack of empathy and devotion to themselves renders narcissists unable to develop meaningful relationships.
They can show great interest in romantic prospects and seduce with generosity, expressions of love, flattery, sex, romance, and promises of commitment. Amorous narcissists (Don Juan and Mata Hari types) are adept and persuasive lovers and may have many conquests, yet remain single.
Although empathy for animals and humans is certainly related, it is possible for pet owners with narcissistic traits, particularly Narcissistic Neuroticism, to have empathy and love for a pet despite having low empathy for humans.
They deeply believe in their own attractiveness
Narcissists are good-looking. Or, perhaps more importantly, they believe that they are – and this belief plays a role in how they move through the world: confident in their ability to make other people want to have sex with them.
However, once in a while, just once in a while, the gaslighter/narcissist will give you something that appears like a compliment. However, it is anything but. Gaslighters/narcissists can never fully compliment someone unless there is an insult tied to it.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.