Narcissists can sometimes be helpful and caring. However, more often than not, they only pretend to have these qualities. Moreover, even when they act giving and helping, they are not motivated by empathy because they severely lack it, and as a result, their help is often not very productive.
It is because of this that they may find it difficult to understand other people's feelings or perspectives, a self-centredness that can cause them to act selfishly and exploit others for their own gain. “As narcissists do not have empathy, they are not able to genuinely care or love you,” explains Davey.
It is important to remember the narcissist is a master manipulator and has spent a lifetime learning how to behave to get their way. If they were rude to everyone all the time, no one would want to spend time with them, or think they were as amazing as they think they are.
The reason that narcissists are “nice” to others is because they have to maintain a charming, charismatic, and captivating public persona to create a support group that blindly validates their twisted perception of reality while providing them with a consistent flow of validation, admiration, and reassurance.
Likewise, the kind narcissist knows that by acting in a prosocial and altruistic manner, he earns everyone's trust. Kind narcissists deceive with their discreet behavior. They don't seek to be the center of attention. In fact, they earn the trust of others little by little, which they then later use to their advantage.
They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively.
Bottom Line. Narcissists can sometimes be helpful and caring. However, more often than not, they only pretend to have these qualities.
Narcissists exploit those around them through gaslighting, sabotaging, love-bombing, lying, and twisting situations to suit their needs. As a result, victims can suffer long-term effects from their abuse.
A lack of regard for other people's feelings and needs
As those with NPD often lack empathy for others, they will consistently disregard the needs of other people. They often care very deeply what others think of them, but otherwise may find it difficult to understand or simply do not care about their feelings.
The reason youve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them. But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but wont let you go easily.
“To what extent do you agree with this statement: 'I am a narcissist.'”
Devaluation Stage: Once the narcissist feels you are "hooked" they will move to the next phase, which is tearing you down. This is where all the nasty comments come into play. These hateful comments are used to make you feel insecure and unstable as a person so you begin to depend on the narcissist for support.
The root of the disorder is actually a strict resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone at any time. Here's a lay description of how it works: The narcissist does not truly trust others in close relationships.
While the narcissist may not know that are being mean because this would require them to be able to understand how someone else feels, they do know that their actions will likely lead to you changing your behavior, which is usually by backing down in one way or the other.
While being the target of narcissistic abuse is stressful and hurtful, many narcissists are unaware of how their actions impact others. If they are aware that others feel negatively about them or about their choices, they often lack the ability to take responsibility for their actions or see them as wrong.
On the other extreme, persons with vulnerable narcissism may present with salient features of dysthymia, depression, and anhedonia. However, the grandiosity and need for admiration would be prominent despite the affective symptoms, which would differentiate it from a major depressive disorder.
Final Thoughts on the Red Flags of a Narcissist
Narcissistic individuals often exhibit traits such as a lack of empathy, manipulative behavior, and an inflated sense of self-importance. It's essential to understand that dealing with a narcissist can be draining and challenging.
Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.
Narcissists are highly sensitive to criticism or any perceived threat to their self-image, and they will go to great lengths to protect it. If you criticize them or challenge their dominance, you will trigger a defensive response.
Type As can also be dangerous to narcissists
Although they can be targeted, type A people can also become a narcissist's worst nightmare. One of the most important defenses against dark personalities is having strong boundaries yourself, and type A people are usually aware they have the right to build them.
According to David Korten, a former Harvard Business School professor, money is a mechanism for controlling people. Narcissists are acutely aware of this. An individual who is a narcissist will feel powerful and dominant over others, even with a small amount of money.
Narcissists, however, may show off their wealth to other people. Their loved ones may receive amazing gifts during the holidays, or they may donate a considerable amount of money. The primary goal of these people isn't to be generous. Instead, they are trying to impress others.
To narcissists, spending large amounts of money on others can be a way to get people to like them. They may be stingy in private, for example, but cover dinner for colleagues or give gifts just for show.