The tragic reality is that narcissists don't (and can't) love their children in the way that ordinary people do. They will tell you that they do (and most likely they will believe that they do), but their love can only be of the transactional, conditional type, even with their children.
Narcissistic parents are often emotionally abusive to their children, holding them to impossible and constantly changing expectations. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are highly sensitive and defensive. They tend to lack self-awareness and empathy for other people, including their own children.
Narcissists are often angry and aggressive when they feel disappointed or frustrated. If they believe their child is being critical or defiant, they can lash out. These reactions can manifest as screaming, sudden bouts of rage or, in more severe cases, physical violence.
A good parent is available, responsive, and consistent with their child. A good parent helps their child develop a realistic sense of self by mirroring their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs. Narcissists can't be a good parent because they are incapable of having emotional closeness that good parenting requires.
A narcissist will put on a good show for court and shout how they have 'the best interests of the child' in mind, but when you look closely, the evidence will say otherwise. Narcissists are incapable of putting anyone's needs before their own, and can often put the child at risk of harm.
Most recent theories have focused on the link between narcissism and negative childhood experiences, such as physical or sexual violence, neglect, or rejection [10,11].
Jealousy and Possessiveness
Since a narcissistic mother or father often hopes that the child will permanently dwell under the parent's influence, she or he may become extremely jealous at any signs of the child's growing maturity and independence.
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.
Narcissists are known for their lack of empathy, which impacts all their relationships, including those with their mothers. They are often dismissive, neglectful, or manipulative, using their mother to fulfill their own needs without considering her feelings.
To summarize, overparenting, lack of warmth, leniency, overvaluation and childhood maltreatment have all been associated with higher levels of narcissism.
Narcissistic parents love to compare their children to other siblings or peers in an effort to further diminish them. They want their scapegoated children to fight for their approval and attention. They also want to provoke them into feeling less than.
The obsession or focus a narcissistic parent has on a child often has to do with the parent's own emotional needs. Narcissistic parents support children's “greatness” and encourage their talents, with the excuse that they love their child and are sacrificing themselves for the child's future.
This is why removal of children from parents with such personality disorder often leads to the narcissistic parent walking away. If there is no control then there is nothing for the narcissist to use to uphold the defences and so the child must be demonised.
Signs that a child may be a narcissist include a lack of empathy; unrealistic sense of self-importance; lack of recognition of attention and admiration; and an overall struggle in social and family relationships.
For example, a narcissist might offer an insincere apology to get something in return. They might apologize to make themselves out in a victim position or to repair the damage that's been done to their image. There are narcissists who don't apologize for their actions.
When you're in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, it can trigger mind and body trauma, including low self-esteem, panic attacks, and mental illnesses like anxiety and depression. The behaviors of a narcissistic parent are considered child abuse.
On the one hand, some narcissists may genuinely care for and love their mothers. On the other hand, they may view their mothers as a source of support and comfort and feel a deep affection towards them. However, it is also true that many narcissists struggle to form close, loving relationships with others.
Indeed, narcissists love the idea of family. They love knowing that they have a reliable support system. They also love knowing that they have people who will enable and even embrace their selfish behavior. But narcissists don't perceive love as an abstract experience of connection, empathy, and warmth.
Narcissists tend to have mixed reactions to the passing away of their siblings, parents, and other close family members. On the one hand, they experience a sense of joy and freedom, and on another, they may feel an overwhelming sense of space combined with grief.
How might a narcissist do this? They may seek revenge on their ex-spouse through the form of parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Through PAS, narcissists use their children as pawns to get back at their ex in an effort to prove their dominance.
They physically abuse pets.
If a narcissist's dog has urinated on the carpet while the narcissist was out, the narcissist sees it as a personal affront—even though the narcissist left the dog alone for 12 hours. The narcissist then hits the dog and calls it names. The dog learns to fear the narcissist.
Low or fragile self-esteem
Children of narcissists typically experience having low self-esteem throughout their childhood and sometimes into their adulthood. They have low esteem because they grew up with parents who never thought they were good enough or loved them unconditionally.
They have people-pleasing tendencies.
In the stories of adult children of narcissists, its very common to find accounts of rage attacks and of unpredictable, emotionally volatile behavior by their abusive parents.
By creating confusion, a narcissist causes you to doubt yourself, which gives them power over you. Narcissistic parents use these phrases to invalidate, dismiss and reject their kids, so they can manipulate and control them.
They are jealous of the child.
At times, this can extend to their own children. If, rather than seeing the child as someone who can be used and manipulated, the parent sees them as someone who highlights their own deficiencies, they may choose to be around someone who is less of a threat.