If you tend to overpromise and under-deliver, you might not notice that you're being unintentionally toxic. Generally, overpromising stems from our desire to be liked or accepted (haileymagee.com, n.d.). It may be that you want to feel trustworthy in giving out these promises but end up getting the opposite effect.
But many people with toxic traits don't realize that their behavior impacts others. You may have toxic traits that you don't know about. Some toxic traits, like absolutism, manifest subtly. You may not realize you see things as good or bad unless you experience something that forces you to reflect on your mindset.
In relationships, toxic behaviors can take many forms. They can be intentional or unintentional, and they can have short-term or long-term consequences for the relationships involved.
You tend to manipulate things
Manipulation ranges from gaslighting and lying to hiding information from your partner. If you're doing any of these things, you're clearly manipulating your partner and are the toxic one in the relationship. Ultimately, it will only erode your partner's love and respect for you.
If a relationship stops bringing joy, and instead consistently makes you feel sad, angry, anxious or “resigned, like you've sold out,” it may be toxic, Glass says. You may also find yourself envious of happy couples. Fuller says negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags, too.
Many people who behave in a toxic manner have been through trauma themselves, and instead of dealing with that trauma, these people start exhibiting toxic traits. These people usually don't know how to process trauma and stress in a healthy manner, so they end up being unpleasant around people.
Toxicity in people isn't considered a mental disorder. But there could be underlying mental problems that cause someone to act in toxic ways, including a personality disorder.
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned, or attacked. A relationship is toxic when your well-being is threatened in some way—emotionally, psychologically, and even physically.
Fundamentally, toxic relationship behaviors are the result of a lack of empathy. Whether that be demanding your partner live up to your expectations, or refusing to see things from their perspective, toxic behavior often represents an inability to feel genuine understanding and compassion for the other person.
There are many toxic behaviors that a person can learn or develop when growing up in an abusive environment. And some of these behaviors may have been necessary for survival.
Controlling. One of the most dangerous traits of a toxic person is controlling behavior. They may try to restrict you from contacting your friends or family, or limit resources like transportation or access to money to restrict your ability to interact with the world around you.
Often the phrase “toxic person” is used to describe someone who is subtly or outwardly manipulative, self-centered, needy, or controlling.
Whether you are in a relationship or you are the toxic person in a relationship, learning how to stop being toxic will break the cycle. Humans are social creatures by nature, and despite what we are often told, people can change. Take it one step at a time and accept that you will make mistakes along the way.
If you've addressed toxic behavior with the person exhibiting it and they have taken it to heart, it's possible for toxic people to change. “Toxic people can absolutely change,” Kennedy says, “however they must see their part in the problem before they are likely to find the motivation to do so.”
Gaslighting
Veasley says gaslighting is one of the most common forms of emotional manipulation and a toxic behavior you shouldn't tolerate. It's a good idea to identify ways to deal with gaslighting.
Toxic love: Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. Love: Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love: Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. Love: Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
The number 1 reason people stay in abusive relationships is because of fear, the fear of starting over. People dedicate a lot of time building their relationships. Getting to know people is often an herculean task, trying to understand them, what they stand for and the things they enjoy doing.