Avoidant people prefer (whether consciously or not) to be non-committal, and often a partner never feels like they're totally in the relationship. This doesn't mean they don't want to stay in a long term relationship and often they may, as long as it can be with no noticeable signs of real commitment.
"Over time, they can re-pattern their attachment and heal those wounds if they can find a partner who is willing to put in the work and help them," says Jordan. Ultimately, the key to building a long-lasting, healthy relationship with a fearful avoidant person is honesty, patience, and trust.
They struggle with commitment
Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style may find it very difficult to commit to someone. They tend to both seek out connection and closeness while simultaneously trying to avoid getting into a serious relationship.
Yes, someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style can fall in love. Although they may have difficulty trusting and opening up to others at first, people with this attachment style can also feel very passionate, romantic, and intense in their relationships.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is a pattern of behavior in relationships that is marked by both high anxiety and high avoidance, wherein a person both craves connection but also fears getting too close to anyone. Also known as disorganized attachment, it's the rarest of the four attachment styles.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
People with fearful avoidant attachment are torn. They tend to be wavering between a desire to form close bonds with others and the fear of getting hurt and betrayed. For a person with this anxious attachment style, romantic relationships are a source of massive ambivalence. They can come off as clingy and needy.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
Those with fearful-avoidant attachments want love from others. They may even crave that affection. But, at the same time, they are reluctant to have close or intimate relationships. This is a unique combination of anxiously craving affection and avoiding it at any cost.
However, simultaneously, the individual in the no contact process comes towards a more centered and stronger place as they usually stop grieving the relationship forgone and start to look ahead. It is in this peak moment of their recovery process that the fearful-avoidant may start reaching out.
Do People With Fearful-Avoidant Styles Get Attached? People with this attachment style may experience negative emotions and a strong fear surrounding intimacy and closeness. This can make it difficult for them to become attached to a romantic partner, particularly if that person also has the same attachment style.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is often considered the worst in terms of potential negative outcomes. For example, multiple studies have shown that there is an association between fearful-avoidant attachment and depression.
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to cope with abandonment issues by not allowing people to get close to them, and not opening up and trusting others. They may be characteristically distant, private, or withdrawn.
A fearful-avoidant individual often benefits from the securely attached person's nonreactive, stable energy. At the same time, it's important for those with a secure attachment style to avoid taking the role of "rescuing" or "fixing" a partner who is not securely attached.
Remember that healing is always possible – at any age! By learning and regularly practicing secure attachment skills, you can move toward more secure attachment. Suggested practices for this pattern: Often, fearful-avoidant attachment comes from attachment injuries passed from parent to child.
Because people with fearful-avoidant attachment styles generally avoid becoming intimate or vulnerable with others, they prefer to have casual sex — no strings attached. They break off relationships without apparent reason.
A fearful-avoidant will assume the pieces of the puzzle they arent provided and create their own story. Lying, stealing, cheating, and obvious large-scale issues are big triggers.
Studies have found that avoidant attachers are less likely to date or seek relationships. In other words, they are more prone to having smaller social circles and, thus, may stay single for longer periods of time. Avoidant attachers are thus more susceptible to social loneliness and isolation.
Fearful Avoidant
These individuals frequently find themselves bouncing between highs and lows in both relationships and friendships. They fear being isolated from others, but also push people away and are inherently suspicious. They may start fights or create conflict, but fear rejection. They have few close friends.
The most difficult type of insecure attachment is the disorganized attachment style. It is often seen in people who have been physically, verbally, or sexually abused in their childhood.
Fearful-Avoidant, aka Disorganized Attachment
The fearful-avoidant attachment style is the rarest, and "develops when the child's caregivers — the only source of safety — become a source of fear," according to the Attachment Project, an attachment style education site.
The fearful avoidant attachment style occurs in about 7% of the population and typically develops in the first 18 months of life. During this formative period, a child's caregiver may have behaved chaotically or bizarrely. Sometimes the parent could even behave aggressively, causing the child to see them as “scary”.
Avoidants are afraid of and incapable of tolerating true intimacy. Since they were brought up not to depend on anyone or reveal feelings that might not be acceptable to caregivers, their first instinct when someone gets really close is to run away.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses.