The tragic reality is that narcissists don't (and can't) love their children in the way that ordinary people do. They will tell you that they do (and most likely they will believe that they do), but their love can only be of the transactional, conditional type, even with their children.
A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding their children and being the primary decision maker in the child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control disempowers the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of themselves.
Recent studies confirm that narcissistic parents are incapable of truly loving others, even their own children.
A good parent is available, responsive, and consistent with their child. A good parent helps their child develop a realistic sense of self by mirroring their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and needs. Narcissists can't be a good parent because they are incapable of having emotional closeness that good parenting requires.
They play favorites.
Narcissistic parents maintain their power by triangulating, or playing favorites. They may have a golden child who they compliment excessively, for example, while speaking badly about another child in the family.
Jealousy and Possessiveness
Since a narcissistic mother or father often hopes that the child will permanently dwell under the parent's influence, she or he may become extremely jealous at any signs of the child's growing maturity and independence.
Golden children are usually raised by narcissistic parents who are controlling and authoritarian. They coerce their child into being “perfect” by creating a toxic environment where the children do not feel safe voicing their own opinions or going against any rules.
A narcissist will put on a good show for court and shout how they have 'the best interests of the child' in mind, but when you look closely, the evidence will say otherwise. Narcissists are incapable of putting anyone's needs before their own, and can often put the child at risk of harm.
Signs of a father being a narcissist include if he is self-centered, vain, does not take criticism well, demands perfection, and goes into rages. Daughters of narcissistic fathers may feel they never get enough attention. Sons of narcissistic dads may feel they can never measure up.
Those who have had a narcissistic parent can testify how damaging it can be to ones psyche. Narcissistic parents lack empathy, show a severe sense of entitlement to micromanage the lives of their children, and may even subject their children to neglect, as well as emotional and/or physical abuse.
At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.
Through PAS, narcissists use their children as pawns to get back at their ex in an effort to prove their dominance. To protect you and your child's best interests, it is crucial to understand what PAS is and what you can do if you believe your ex-spouse is using this as a tactic with your children.
According to Julie L. Hall, author of “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free,” narcissists become more extreme versions of their worst selves as they age, which includes becoming more desperate, deluded, paranoid, angry, abusive, and isolated.
Narcissistic parents are often emotionally abusive to their children, holding them to impossible and constantly changing expectations. Those with narcissistic personality disorder are highly sensitive and defensive. They tend to lack self-awareness and empathy for other people, including their own children.
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
A narcissistic father may ruthlessly bully or compete with his son in games, even when the boy is a less-capable child. Similarly, he may be jealous of his wife's attention to the boy, compete with him, and flirt with his girlfriends or later wife. As a result, Kafka lacked confidence, courage, and resolve.
To summarize, overparenting, lack of warmth, leniency, overvaluation and childhood maltreatment have all been associated with higher levels of narcissism. However, these parenting behaviours have often been examined in isolation or in different combinations, with mixed findings.
To the narcissistic mother, appearances are everything. She may construct the false image of being a sweet, loving and charitable person to others all while gossiping about others, engaging in petty one-upping and abusing her children emotionally, physically or even sexually.
On the one hand, some narcissists may genuinely care for and love their mothers. On the other hand, they may view their mothers as a source of support and comfort and feel a deep affection towards them. However, it is also true that many narcissists struggle to form close, loving relationships with others.
In the stories of adult children of narcissists, its very common to find accounts of rage attacks and of unpredictable, emotionally volatile behavior by their abusive parents.
They go on to attract narcissists into their lives as partners and friends, and may go on to endure anything up to a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. The tragic reality is that narcissists don't (and can't) love their children in the way that ordinary people do.
As I said earlier, narcissistic parents put their own needs ahead of their children. In fact, their need to be in control and at the center of attention is sometimes the reason they choose to have children in the first place.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be difficult. The children of a narcissist are often children who grow up to be codependent, people-pleasers, and have low self-esteem. They may never feel good enough for their parents or themselves.