Narcissist's issues with shame is a major reason narcissists struggle to maintain friendships, experience true intimacy, and struggle with self-esteem. Narcissists fear and despise facing their shame so much so, that their way to survive is to project their own shame on to those around them.
The narcissistic parent is a master at creating toxic shame. They have time and motive to chip away at their child's opinions, ideas, confidence, and identity.
Being Humiliated
Feeling embarrassed or humiliated is painful for anyone, but narcissists are especially reactive to those emotions. To avoid such feelings, narcissists may preemptively humiliate people around them to gain the upper hand.
Ten of the most common tactics that narcissists use to make you feel guilty are blame-shifting, trivializing your feelings, invalidating your experiences, gaslighting, playing the victim, withholding affection and love as a punishment, bringing up the past, guilt-tripping, the silent treatment, and projection.
Covert narcissists often behave in passive-aggressive ways. They disregard others while exaggerating their own importance. They also blame, shame, and ignore the feelings and needs of other people.
Narcissists carry a LOT of shame. From mistakes made in the past, fear of not being enough, to fear of criticism in the present and future. For many narcissists their lives are rather shame-based but, they will never admit it.
Narcissists induce shame in their targets, because it creates the urge to self-sequester. Subtle insults and devaluation are the most common tactics. Nothing is ever quite good enough. Conscientious people want to improve themselves and their lives.
Narcissists don't know they're hurting you. It doesn't even enter their minds. And, if you try to tell them how you feel, they get defensive and make you feel you're wrong again. In fact, they'll even rather “innocently” tell you: “I'm only trying to help you.”
Some narcissists may be able to feel bad about something they've done to hurt someone else. It isn't guilt they feel, so much as regret (or even anger) that things happened the way they did. But any “remorse” they feel is likely to be about how that behavior affected them rather than how it affected the victim.
Within the definition of narcissism is a lack of remorse, empathy or forgiveness. Narcissists have a fantasy view of themselves where they are all powerful, knowing, beautiful, and influential. Even when the reality might prove otherwise, their distorted perception of self greatly contributes to egocentric behavior.
Narcissists are hurt by challenges or threats to their superior and grandiose self-image (also known as narcissistic injury). Their sense of entitlement and lack of empathy means they will attempt to destroy the culprit by any means necessary.
If there's one thing narcissists hate, it's being told what to do. When you push them into a situation where they have to answer to someone else, it's like their own personal hell. Figure out a way where you can get the narcissist in your life to be underneath an authority figure to really watch them squirm.
One of the biggest insecurities of narcissists is their lack of emotional intelligence. They must learn how to be happy when their loved ones are happy. And offer comfort when they are sad. Until then, their insecurities around their lack of empathy will continue.
The initial reaction of the narcissist to a perceived humiliation is a conscious rejection of the humiliating input. The narcissist tries to ignore it, talk it out of existence, or belittle its importance.
MD. While being the target of narcissistic abuse is stressful and hurtful, many narcissists are unaware of how their actions impact others. If they are aware that others feel negatively about them or about their choices, they often lack the ability to take responsibility for their actions or see them as wrong.
Narcissistic individuals, in particular the grandiose subtype, are negatively associated with guilt and shame (Czarna, 2014; Wright, O'Leary, & Balkin, 1989).
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.
The narcissist's unacknowledged shame often leads to their displays of shamelessness, lack of compassion, rage, and entitled grandiosity. Always the narcissist's shame is linked to the trauma they have experienced as children.
While people with narcissism aren't devoid of emotions, their motivations may be self-focused. They can know they're hurting your feelings, but as long as it elevates their status, they may not care. Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness.
They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively.
Silent Treatment Narcissists punish by ignoring. Then they let their victim off the hook by demanding an apology even though she isnt to blame. This is to modify her behavior. They also have a history of cutting others out of their life permanently over small things.
Narcissistic collapse happens when a person with narcissistic personality disorder experiences a failure, humiliation, or other blow to their secretly fragile self-esteem. Depending on the type of narcissist, collapse may look different and happen more frequently.