A gaslighter believes their own lies and is insistent upon them which makes the person question themselves.
Lying and denial. Lying in gaslighting is intended to make the victim not believe their senses and to doubt themselves. Gaslighters are pathological liars who never back down or change their stories. Even when challenged with proof of their lying, they still plough on and their denials can be very convincing.
Some people who gaslight others are aware of their actions and have even studied how to improve their techniques. A gaslighter who is unaware of their actions continues their behavior because of the "payoff" or "boost" they get from it each time.
While gaslighting is based on lies, not every lie is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. The intent is to belittle the other person and invalidate their experiences, all for the gaslighter's gain.
Gaslighting is similar to lying and a gaslighter may even do it for the same reasons, but they will also be attempting to confuse the other person by flipping a situation and putting the blame onto them, making them doubt their perception of events and second guess themselves.
Typically, someone denying your feelings, an objective reality you clearly recall, or reality that is unambiguous (e.g., whether they hit you or not) may be gaslighting, while differences in subtler details of memories might simply be attributable to differences in recollection.
Gaslighting in Abuse Relationships
In many cases, the gaslighter will get defensive about their actions and claim they do it out of love. I only do it because I love you. By saying this, they're making their victim feel as if their love for the gaslighter is less than what they're receiving in return.
The term “gaslighting” originates in a British play-turned film from the 1930s. The play was called “Gas Light” and the plot is about a husband who mentally and emotionally manipulates his wife into believing she is crazy by changing the intensity of the gas lamps within their home.
Certain personality disorders, including narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline personality disorders, may make a person prone to using gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, and it's never the survivor's responsibility to try to help an abuser see the error of their ways and get help.
Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.
When you confront gaslighters about their behavior, they often change the subject or counter-attack by telling you that it's all your fault or you are the one with the problem.
While some gaslighters are very aware that they are putting their behavior on someone else to get what they want, some who are projecting are not aware that they are doing it. In either case, projection is an unhealthy behavior and should not be tolerated. Some gaslighters unconsciously project out of guilt or shame.
They do apologize—but those apologies are conditional.
Gaslighters are masters of the "conditional apology." You know, when someone says, "I'm sorry you feel that way." That's not an apology; the other person is not taking responsibility for his behavior.
Ignoring a gaslighter could mean you pretend you did not hear what they said and do not engage or respond to them. This could result in an escalation of their attempts at gaslighting you or make them angry if they feel you have bruised their pride. Similarly, they might try to get your attention in other ways.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion. Last week we looked at the straight-up lie and reality manipulation. This week we are going to focus on scapegoating and coercion.
One main way people gaslight is by shifting blame to another person in order to avoid accountability, which is also known as deflection. For example, Spinelli says a gaslighting parent might blame their child for their own mistakes, or an abusive partner could somehow blame the victim for the abuse.
10 Signs & Red Flags You're Being Gaslighted. If you recognize these signs in your relationships, you may be the victim of gaslighting; they include denial, minimization, blame-shifting, isolation, withholding, causing confusion or doubt, criticism, projection, narcissism, and love bombing.
People with high levels of narcissism have the desire to exploit others, which is born out of their disregard for other people and their own sense of entitlement. Exploitative gaslighters use manipulation and deceit to take advantage of others for personal gain.
Being a perpetrator of gaslighting is treated seriously by authorities and may soon be considered a crime in parts of Australia. Gaslighting is an aspect of coercive control, which is set to be outlawed in NSW and QLD, with other states likely to follow suit.
Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be “grateful” for their truth.
“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”