Primarily observed in narcissists and sociopaths, gaslighting is an intentional behavior where gaslighters often successfully convince their victims to believe in what they say.
It's intentional and designed to make you question your memories and experiences. Toxic people who gaslight instill confusion intended to make others rely on them. Convincing someone to question their reality gives a gaslighter a sense of power and superiority.
Intentionality and Malice. Gaslighting is an intentional behaviour directed at diminishing someone's sense of reality or denying their experiences as a way of helping the gaslighter save face/protect self-esteem/maintain the relationship/keep another person in a relationship/win an argument, etc.
People gaslight for a number of reasons, but the central motivation is to gain power and control. While we all might tell an occasional white lie or use gentle reassurances to comfort others or maintain harmony, not everyone resorts to gaslighting as it is a harmful and manipulative behavior.
Gaslighting is a common practice of abusers who attempt to convince their victims they are defective for any reason such as making the victim more emotional, more needy or dependent... The victim may start to believe that they are imagining things, has some kind of mental illness, or has a faulty memory.
Some people who gaslight others are aware of their actions and have even studied how to improve their techniques. A gaslighter who is unaware of their actions continues their behavior because of the "payoff" or "boost" they get from it each time.
A primary goal of gaslighters is to keep the victim hooked. If a victim disagrees with or questions their abuser, he or she may try to make themselves seem as if they themselves are being victimized by their targets. Alternately, they may try to lure a partner back with positive reinforcement.
Gaslighting in Abuse Relationships
In many cases, the gaslighter will get defensive about their actions and claim they do it out of love. I only do it because I love you. By saying this, they're making their victim feel as if their love for the gaslighter is less than what they're receiving in return.
If the gaslighter is willing to be honest with themselves and do the hard work of changing how they interact it's possible to change this behavior. However, if they're unwilling to recognize the pattern then the pattern is unlikely to change.
Ignoring a gaslighter could mean you pretend you did not hear what they said and do not engage or respond to them. This could result in an escalation of their attempts at gaslighting you or make them angry if they feel you have bruised their pride. Similarly, they might try to get your attention in other ways.
Lying and denial. Lying in gaslighting is intended to make the victim not believe their senses and to doubt themselves. Gaslighters are pathological liars who never back down or change their stories. Even when challenged with proof of their lying, they still plough on and their denials can be very convincing.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and abuse used to gain control over one's victim. It's often difficult to spot gaslighting, as these manipulators make their victims question their own sanity. Gaslighters are domineering but work to present themselves as kind, generous, intelligent, and trustworthy.
A gaslighter often lacks empathy for others. They will emotionally abuse others and harm their mental health without regard.
You often feel unsure about how you really feel. You feel like your emotions or opinions are not important. The flattery you receive feels disingenuous or manipulative. If you recognize these behaviors and warning signs, it's likely you are a victim of gaslighting.
Gaslighters have fragile egos and low self-esteem, so use your own inner strength to keep the balance of power in your favor.
The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.
Reasons Why a Narcissist Might Gaslight Someone
They may also do it to boost their ego or to make themselves feel better. They are insecure or have low self-esteem. They may also gaslight as a way to manipulate, hurt, or gain power or control over someone.
People with personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, may use gaslighting as a way to control spouses, children, co-workers, or any other relationship where the person with a character disorder feels vulnerable.
Typically, gaslighters do not want to break up. "In most cases, they want to stay in the relationship and keep it on their terms," says mental health counselor Rebecca Weiler.
Gaslighting is psychological abuse through verbal, written, and/or physical actions that cause the recipient to question their reality. A non-apology is used to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement by placing blame back on the individual.
If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a person who is gaslighting you, avoid arguing with them and do your best to remain calm. Seek support from friends and family members who can validate your experience and help you sort through your feelings.