Being raised by an emotionally unavailable parent or guardian can lead to a life of unstable friendships, strings of failed relationships, emotional neediness, an inability to self-regulate, provide for yourself, and identity confusion.
Having a mother that is unstable or reactive can leave you with a fear you are also mentally ill. For example, you may be hyper-vigilant, anxious, or socially withdrawn. Talk to a trauma informed professional to better understand and manage what you are feeling.
Emotionally immature parents share the common traits of being dismissive, selfish, self-involved, emotionally immature, and unavailable. They put their needs first and rely on their child to fill the gap and the void in their life.
Having a childhood with this type of parent taught you that your needs and emotions don't matter. So as an adult, you're likely to question your thoughts and perspectives, doubt yourself and have low self-esteem. You may feel unheard, misunderstood, unloved, put down or trivialized.
Children whose parents have a mental illness are at risk for developing social, emotional and/or behavioral problems. An inconsistent and unpredictable family environment, often found in families in which a parent has mental illness, contributes to a child's risk.
Effects of Controlling Parents on Children
However, this inhibits children from making decisions, solving problems, and learning to cope with emotions and change. Children may feel pressured to conform to parental authority, resulting in emotional insecurity and dependence that can follow them into adulthood.
Depression in parents has been consistently found to be associated with children's early signs of (or vulnerabilities to) more “difficult” temperament; more insecure attachment; affective functioning (more negative affect, more dysregulated aggression and heightened emotionality, more dysphoric and less happy affect, ...
Examples of emotional neglect may include: lack of emotional support during difficult times or illness. withholding or not showing affection, even when requested. exposure to domestic violence and other types of abuse.
Emotionally unavailable parents tend to raise children who cling hard to their loved ones, desperate to be seen and acknowledged. As a result, their intense need for intimacy and fear of abandonment leads them to sabotage their adult relationships.
"Growing up with a parent who is mentally ill 'can lead to a child feeling uncertain, anxious, and neglected," says Talkspace therapist Kimberly Leitch, a licensed clinical social worker. "Life can be unstable and unpredictable, and children may not learn proper coping skills." I didn't. It is a challenge I still face.
Emotional instability presents with a changeable mood. You could be feeling happy and energetic one minute, but then small things like a comment made by someone or something not going as planned can result in a sudden, and sometimes quite catastrophic, drop in mood. Everything can suddenly feel pointless.
Emotionally absent or cold mothers can be unresponsive to their children's needs. They may act distracted and uninterested during interactions, or they could actively reject any attempts of the child to get close. They may continue acting this way with adult children.
For those who may not be familiar, “unloved daughter syndrome” is a term used to describe the lack of emotional connection or love between a mother and her daughter. This disconnect can lead to insecurity, anxiety, loneliness, and mistrust of others.
Toxic moms may suffer from mental or psychological disorders that affect their ability to meet their children's needs. They may also have been victims of toxic parenting themselves, and are repeating the relationship patterns they grew up with.
Common signs of a toxic mother include ignoring boundaries, controlling behavior, and abuse in severe cases. Toxic mothers cannot recognize the impacts of their behavior, and children grow up feeling unloved, overlooked, or disrespected.
They respond to children's emotions with impatience or indifference. They avoid or prevent discussion of negative emotions. They're dismissive or overwhelmed when the child has an emotional need. They're not interested in the child's life (interests, friend groups, school work).
What is Avoidant Attachment? Parents of children with an avoidant attachment tend to be emotionally unavailable or unresponsive to them a good deal of the time. They disregard or ignore their children's needs, and can be especially rejecting when their child is hurt or sick.
An emotionally absent mother is not fully present and especially not to the emotional life of the child. She may be depressed, stretched too thin and exhausted, or perhaps a bit numb. Many of these mothers were severely undermothered themselves and have no idea what a close parent-child relationship looks like.
A child's perception of neglect is important. When a child perceives they're being neglected emotionally, they are twice as likely to develop psychiatric disorders by age 15, including the development of depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, panic disorder, phobias, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
They don't know that their emotions are personal expressions of who they are. Instead, they learn that they are different, damaged, weak, and wrong. They will probably grow up feeling, deep inside, a sense of shame about who they really are.
Emotional Neglect is Complex Trauma
Childhood trauma takes several forms, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is complex trauma that can result in complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Everyone has heard of PTSD, but C-PTSD is different.
Children who have parents with depression tend to have their first episode of depression earlier than children whose parents don't have the condition. Children from chaotic or conflicted families, or children and teens who abuse substances like alcohol and drugs, are also at greater risk of depression.
Research suggests that parental patterns of irritability and withdrawal lead to low self-esteem in the child, and this poor self-image predisposes the child to depression. Childhood depression is also associated with a family history of mood disorders and with the existence of other psychiatric conditions.
Authoritarian and uninvolved parenting styles were most highly associated with levels of depressive symptoms in adolescence (Lipps, Lowe, Page 2 Gibson, Halliday, Morris, Clarke, & Wilson, 2012).