Responsibility: Accept what has happened and show yourself compassion. Remorse: Use guilt and remorse as a gateway to positive behaviour change. Restoration: Make amends with whomever you're forgiving, even if it's yourself. Renewal: Learn from the experience and grow as a person.
“Try to minimize negative self-talk. Dwelling on situations and making yourself feel worse about it will halt any progress in forgiving yourself,” she says. Instead, acknowledge and accept any mistakes without putting yourself down. “Reframe what happened and think of it as a learning experience.
Low self-esteem, being naturally self-critical, and growing up in an environment of criticism or abuse, for example, are things that can contribute to difficulty forgiving past mistakes. Some conditions may make you more likely to experience guilt and have a hard time forgiving yourself. For example: impostor syndrome.
What are the consequences of not forgiving yourself?
If you don't forgive yourself for something that happened in the past, you'll loathe yourself, treat yourself as less than human, deny yourself happiness, you may even “seal yourself off” from others because you don't believe you deserve anything good happening to you.
In my book, The Language of Love and Respect, I address these issues specifically in the Appendix entitled "Forgiving - but also Confronting - the Three A's: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction." Also in this book, I include a chapter on Good Will vs Evil Will, and Forgiveness.
Research has shown that those who practice self-forgiveness have better mental and emotional well-being, more positive attitudes and healthier relationships. A related outcome ties self-compassion with higher levels of success, productivity, focus and concentration.
Being hard on yourself and having shaming thoughts can come from sources like your family, peers, educational institutions, culture, religion, work places, and other places as well. They can also be a result of being predisposed to certain mental conditions, as low self-esteem can be a sign of certain disorders.
Forgiveness can be good for your health, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to do it and it doesn't mean it it's the only way to heal. In fact, it is completely possible to move on or heal from trauma without forgiving someone. Forcing yourself to forgive can be even more harmful. Forgiveness is not justice.
And even though you've forgiven someone, it doesn't mean you have to forget their offense. Forgiveness is a process that can take time and may require some effort. If you want help, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance.
Unforgiveness is linked to higher incidences of stress, heart disease, high blood pressure, lowered immune response, anxiety, depression, and other health issues according to a Johns Hopkins study. Broken relationships affect us deeply, especially when bitterness sets in.
Forgiveness, whether of someone else or yourself, can mean you accept actions and behaviors that occurred while willing to move forward. Forgiving yourself may mean letting go of the feelings and emotions associated with what went wrong.
Often the hardest person to forgive is yourself. You are so hurt, yet you realize that you are the one to blame. You are the one who did it to yourself. And so you want to make yourself hurt.
