There is no right way to deal with a toxic family member. Only you can decide how much contact is right for you. And you will know if and when you need to walk away in order to save yourself. Just know that its okay to end a toxic relationship even with a family member.
Make no mistake: cutting off a sibling isn't what anyone would want or hope for, but as the people I spoke to agreed, sometimes it's the wise and necessary choice: it's not healthy to hold on to someone who persistently hurts you. "Occasionally sibling relationships just don't work out," Collins told Insider.
Avoid visiting them, talking to them on the phone, or attending family gatherings where they're present. Notice how you feel when your relative isn't an active part of your life. Distancing yourself can create a sense of guilt, especially if you've been in a codependent relationship with your relative.
Some behaviors that often warrant estrangement include: Sexual abuse. Mental, emotional, or physical abuse, which each person may define for themselves. Constant toxicity.
The mental health effects of sibling estrangement
Research has found that if you experienced estrangement within your family, you are more likely to struggle with mental health issues related to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, low self-esteem, substance abuse, sleep disorders and suicidal ideation.
A toxic sibling relationship is a relationship that is unbalanced in its power dynamic and may involve sibling abuse and dysfunctional sibling rivalry. Sibling estrangement can be caused by parental favoritism, having immature parents, parental or sibling abuse, and psychopathy.
The number of Americans who are completely estranged from a sibling is relatively small—probably less than 5 percent, says Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University professor.
“Criticism, looking down on you, bullying, invalidating or gaslighting, and physical intimidation or abuse – all of it happens in toxic sibling relationships.” The same goes for toxic siblings. Being unfair or hurtful is one thing. It can even happen unintentionally.
In 1989, Deborah Gold developed five typologies of adult sibling relations based on “… patterns of psychological involvement, closeness, acceptance/ approval, emotional support, instrumen- tal support, contact, envy and resent- ment” (Cicirelli, 1995, 49).
Sibling alienation occurs when one adult sibling wants to push aside another. While sibling alienation can occur at any point, one sibling may be especially tempted to alienate another in order to gain control of care-taking or inheritance outcomes with aging parents.
Sibling estrangement is an outgrowth of "drifting apart and taking different paths. The more painful (break-up) is when it comes out of a conflict or many conflicts," Kennedy-Moore said. Often cutting off the relationship arises when one sibling "finds it toxic to have that person in their life," Kennedy-Moore said.
The term 'trauma bond' is also known as Stockholm Syndrome. It describes a deep bond which forms between a victim and their abuser. Victims of abuse often develop a strong sense of loyalty towards their abuser, despite the fact that the bond is damaging to them.
Examples of sibling emotional abuse include name-calling, belittling, teasing, insulting, threatening, destroying property, relational aggression, intimidation and asserting power or control. Sexual Abuse: Using power to bribe or threaten a sibling into sexual activity.
It can cause ongoing trust issues, and many also struggle with power and balance issues in their personal and professional relationships. Like all forms of child abuse, sibling abuse can lead to myriad problems for victims, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, self-loathing, and low self-esteem.
Roberta Wasserman, LCSW-C, a therapist specializing in family estrangement, told me via email that estrangement can be a “devastating and traumatic experience.” It's common for estranged individuals to feel profound sadness, as well as anger, anxiety, guilt, and shame.
The following signs can help you recognize estrangement in one of your family relationships: Decreasing communication (both the frequency and meaningful nature of interactions) Physical distancing (moving away or avoiding close proximity) Reduction in emotional closeness and feelings of connection, caring, and empathy.
Many estranged siblings realize over time that a brother's or sister's narcissistic tendencies are the underlying cause of their toxic relationship.
The Effects of Estrangement
⁷ Some psychologists treat estrangement as a form of ambiguous loss, because the other person is still living. Estranged individuals may experience stigma from other family members due to the estrangement. The loss of social, financial, and emotional support can be great as well.
On average, family estrangement can last 54 months or 4.5 years. Dr. Pillemer interviewed 1600 estranged family members, with 85% estranged for a year or more.
It could be time to cut the person off if you or your child start to dread visiting that family member, especially if they only interact in negative ways with those around them. "Recognize that spending time apart from them is important to one's own mental health," adds Dr. Halpern.