Don't just say: “I'm sorry you got hurt.” That's not owning up to your actions. Instead say: “I'm sorry I called you naïve” or “I'm sorry I shoved past you.” Be specific about your actions and why you are apologizing for your behavior. Even more importantly, don't project your actions as someone else's fault.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
What Is A Gaslight Apology? A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
The defensive apology
This one takes a bit of finesse and sleight-of-hand to pull off and it may actually work in the moment; it usually includes more than a little blame-shifting too. Yes, the words “I'm sorry” are included in this one; it's the construction of the apology you have to pay attention to.
1. A declaration made out of selfishness. Synonym: I don't want to feel guilty anymore. I feel guilty because of what happened, and guilt isn't a good feeling. I'm saying that I'm sorry to make myself feel better, not you.
Focus on the feelings of the person who is hurt, not your feelings. State specifically what you did wrong. Briefly explain HOW you'll do it differently in the future. Ask if the person needs something from you in addition to the apology.
He remembered the three R's – regret, react, reassure.
Avoid saying things like “I'm sorry you were offended” or “I'm sorry the group felt like I was out of line”. Doing this shifts the blame onto others and can really backfire as most people pick up on this type of weak apology. Casting doubt on others' experience of the situation or questioning what transpired.
THE EMPTY APOLOGY: “I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry.” The empty apology is all form and no substance. It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling. So you go through the motions, saying the words but not meaning them.
A sincere apology should acknowledge the mistakes and try to show that you have learned from them. It can be as simple as saying, “I regret my decision” or “I apologize for my mistake”. It should not sound like an excuse or justify what you did wrong in any way.
A non-apology is used to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement by placing blame back on the individual. The insensitivity of gaslighting often lies in the lack of self-awareness and self-inquiry to address control issues and avoidance of apologies.
If all else fails and you truly don't understand their situation, make sure to get across the fact that you're at least trying to process it. Work with statements like “I can't imagine what you're going through” or “I've never been in your situation, but it must be incredibly difficult.”
Remorse/Regret. Responsibility/Recognize. Restitution/Repair/Redress.
For example, a narcissist might offer an insincere apology to get something in return. They might apologize to make themselves out in a victim position or to repair the damage that's been done to their image. There are narcissists who don't apologize for their actions.
A humble apology is one in which you admit wrongdoing—“I'm sorry I lost my temper”—showing that you're not above reflecting on your own flaws.
The Takeaway Apology: "I am sorry but..."
“I am sorry, but other people thought what I said was funny.” “I'm sorry, but you started it.” “I am sorry but I just couldn't help it.” “I am sorry, but I was just speaking the truth.”
After an adverse event, Five A's: Acknowledgment, Apology, All the Facts, Assurance and Appropriate Compensation, serve to meet the essential needs of patients and their families.
For example, you could say: "I'm sorry that I snapped at you yesterday. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by the way I acted." Your words need to be sincere and authentic . Be honest with yourself, and with the other person, about why you want to apologize.