Tell them how their apology is insincere Pointing out the flaws in someone's apology clarifies your point and allows them to learn. You can tell them why you feel it was insincere and that you don't feel like it resolved anything.
It is essential to respond to a manipulative apology by setting boundaries and holding the wrongdoer accountable for their actions. Don't let a manipulative apology make you feel guilty or responsible for the wrongdoer's behavior.
A phrase designed to elicit an apology from the other party, whereby the original apologizer can deflect full responsibility to that other person; usually said in a hostile or sarcastic tone and often followed by an explicit or implicit “…but this is really your fault”
“I appreciate you apologizing but I need to see changed behavior before we can move forward.”
Try saying: “Thank you, I needed to hear this apology. I really am hurt.” Or, “I appreciate your apology. I need time to think about it, and I need to see a change in your actions before I can move forward with you.” Don't attack the transgressor, as hard as it may be to hold back in the moment.
What Is A Gaslight Apology? A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
For example, a narcissist might offer an insincere apology to get something in return. They might apologize to make themselves out in a victim position or to repair the damage that's been done to their image. There are narcissists who don't apologize for their actions.
1. They add "but" at the end of their apology as a way to avoid taking responsibility for the topic of conflict e.g. "sorry but you made me do it." 2. They dismiss your emotions surrounding the topic e.g. "sorry, you're taking it all wrong."
Type 1 - The Dismissive Apology - “Sorry", “I'm sorry”, backed up with turning away, doing something else, or walking away. The apology that is said to dismiss the conversation, to negate feelings or responsibility.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
It's an interesting way to get attention and go into 'poor me' or feeling sorry for yourself mode which disempowers others. It is a manipulation that works. It forces the other person to feel sorry for you, and because you are so willing to take the blame, they hold back from kicking you when you are down.
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.
: a disingenuous or insufficient apology : a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong.
Even if you aren't ready to make amends, tell the person that you acknowledge what they're saying and that you appreciate their apology. “Thank you for apologizing—I really appreciate it, even though I'm still hurt. I need a little time to really process everything that happened.” “Thanks for saying that!
The defensive apology
This one takes a bit of finesse and sleight-of-hand to pull off and it may actually work in the moment; it usually includes more than a little blame-shifting too. Yes, the words “I'm sorry” are included in this one; it's the construction of the apology you have to pay attention to.
There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion. Last week we looked at the straight-up lie and reality manipulation. This week we are going to focus on scapegoating and coercion.
A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I'm sorry, but …”). “But” automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person's response.
People are allowed to not accept your apology or need some time to think. You can't control what they say or do, but you can control what you say and do.