Depending on their temperaments and personalities, some healthy couples argue every day. Others may only have disagreements once in a while or only rarely. The crucial thing to remember is that there is no “normal” when it comes to how often married couples fight.
Is It Normal for Couples to Argue? Every couple fights — yes, even the couples who look deliriously happy on Instagram. Countless research studies even suggest that healthy arguing with your partner can be the key to a lasting relationship.
You don't need a ton of fighting for it to be considered healthy. It's perfectly fine if you and your partner only come into conflict a few times a year. Every couple is different when it comes to the frequency.
It's different for every couple. Some healthy relationships have fights once or twice a month. Knowing how often do couples argue will help you know if you're in an unhealthy relationship, but what's more important is how you deal with those arguments.
Occasional conflicts and arguments are a part of every relationship, but constantly fighting with your partner is stressful and unhealthy. A pattern of fighting can lead to toxic and harmful behavior that could ultimately end your relationship.
There is a great deal of variation in terms of how often people in serious relationships say they get into arguments or disagreements. Roughly an equal share say they argue once a week or more (30%), once a month or multiple times a month (28%), and once or multiple times per year (32%).
Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag in relationships. People that try to control your movements, decisions, or beliefs are more concerned about what they want than what is best for you. If a guy or girl tries to control what you wear or where you go, this could be a red flag.
There is no definitive number that would point to when and how often couples should fight. After all, it's not just the frequency that is being referred to here. You should also look at what you are fighting about. It also depends on whether you managed to resolve the issues at the end of each fight.
Healthy couples may or may not fight daily, but they don't hold onto the argument long after its over. If you're constantly in an argument with your partner, and one or both of you just can't let it go, it could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Gary Brown, a prominent dating and relationship therapist in Los Angeles, says fights should really only last about 10 minutes.
It's not a message likely to be found on many Valentine's cards but research has found that couples who argue together, stay together.
Insider's takeaway. There is no set number for how often you should have disagreements with your partner. And having arguments can be a healthy part of any relationship.
Relationships that involve physical or verbal abuse are definitely classified as toxic. But there are other, more subtle, signs of a toxic relationship, including: You give more than you're getting, which makes you feel devalued and depleted. You feel consistently disrespected or that your needs aren't being met.
Fighting strengthens the relationship
If it strengthens the bond, then yes. One of the reasons to fight in relationships is because it strengthens the bond between the couples. Healthy and constructive fighting allows each person to air their views and express themselves without abuse or violence.
A Word From Verywell
Fighting might seem like the very last thing you want to do with the person you love, but choosing to iron out disagreements with your partner warmly could be the very thing that strengthens your relationship in the long run.
Unhealthy: Fight That's a Blame Game
Pointing fingers and focusing on each other's faults instead of listening to how your partner is feeling and making them feel heard before voicing your own grievances only leads to more disagreements that end up turning into a vicious spiral.
Again, there is no exact number of fights you should have before breaking up, but you can be looking at how your fights change over time. If they're getting worse, it might be time to end things.
Stonewalling is when a person in a relationship withdraws from an interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issue, people who stonewall resort to evasive maneuvers.
Dr. Stan Tatkin advises couples not to fight for longer than 15 minutes. He states that partners should pause after about 15 minutes, take a break, and then revisit the conversation.
All of these strengthen a relationship. If you're fighting more than 1-2 times per week, chances are this is not a problem. As long the arguments are short and dealt with in a healthy manner, that's fine. However, if these are unhealthy fights, that is a red flag.
The end of a healthy fight is typically either laughter, a solution, or a decision about how or whether to continue to figure this out.” Unhealthy Fight: Fights that involve abuse. This abuse can be physical, verbal, mental, and emotional.
A related issue is “kitchen sinking,” when someone can't stay on topic during a conflict and starts bringing up every past problem or issue—everything but the kitchen sink!
If you're not being satisfied emotionally, sexually or intellectually, it's probably time to move on. Ending a relationship is hard, but it's sometimes the only correct thing to do. If you and your partner aren't connecting on the most fundamental levels, it will be best for both of you to move on.
Lack of intimacy: This can include a lack of both physical and emotional intimacy. You feel like you don't know your partner anymore or that they don't know you. Lack of connection: It seems like you're never on the same page. This can make it difficult to make decisions as a couple and often contributes to conflict.