Communicating with empathy, using “I” statements, and avoiding blaming and criticism are some of the ways to help avoidant partners feel safe enough to express their thoughts and feelings, as well as change their behaviors in time. “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said.”
Be dependable. Avoidant personalities often feel like they can't rely on anyone. By showing your partner that you're reliable and dependable, they're much more likely to trust you. Make sure that you always keep your word, and be 100% honest with your partner.
"Over time, they can re-pattern their attachment and heal those wounds if they can find a partner who is willing to put in the work and help them," says Jordan. Ultimately, the key to building a long-lasting, healthy relationship with a fearful avoidant person is honesty, patience, and trust.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
Emotional distancing: Fearful-avoidant individuals might withdraw emotionally from their partners when they feel threatened, as a way to protect themselves from potential rejection or abandonment. This distancing can manifest as evasive behaviour, avoiding difficult conversations, or even sabotaging the relationship.
Symptoms. A person with a fearful avoidant attachment style may crave closeness and reassurance from their partner, fearing that they will abandon them. In another instance, they may begin to feel trapped or afraid of how close they are with their partner and attempt to distance themselves.
If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
Many times the fearful avoidant won't reach out because they feel as if they're making a fool out of themselves. If they said something in the past that was really hurtful and damaging they won't reach out because they feel like the damage has been done.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
If your fearful avoidant ex doesn't respond to a check-in, respect that they need a few days of space and reach out again 5 – 7 days later. The maximum times to reach out with no response is 3 over several weeks. After that, don't reach out again out of respect for yourself.
However, if a fearful-avoidant individual who is engaged in solid self-work connects with an anxiously attached person who is also mindful of personal wounds and needs, the relationship can develop slowly but surely in a safe, lovingly attached way that benefits both partners.
The hallmark of having been raised by left hemisphere parents is avoidant attachment, which often manifests as a deep, lifelong loneliness, a tendency to push others away and a struggle to find life's meaning.
Simply put: an ex with an anxious attachment and fearful avoidants test you to see if you're still interested in them, still have feelings, miss them or want them back them, a dismissive avoidant ex tests you to see if they're still interested in you, still have feelings for you, miss you or want you back.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
To support your partner during a disagreement, you could offer to give them space. Doing so validates your partner's feelings and needs without explicitly naming them. It also demonstrates that you're in control of your own emotions, which can make an avoidant partner feel less smothered in stressful situations.
People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style distrust others and withdraw from relationships in order to avoid rejection. This leads people with a fearful-avoidant attachment to avoid the very relationships they crave.
Some researchers believe that there may be a link between fearful avoidant attachment and trauma. Traumatic experiences can cause people to become distrustful of others and to believe that they are not worth trusting. This can lead to a fearful avoidant attachment style.
On the other hand, the researchers found people with avoidant or anxious attachment styles tended to include fewer elements of a good apology or were less consistent in how they apologized. A good apology, however, requires a level of emotional investment that people with an avoidant attachment style find challenging.
The avoidant attachment style (a.k.a. fear of commitment) usually arises from past emotional experiences. No one is born an avoidant; people learn to behave towards other people in such a way. Fear of commitment arises from the relationships with the main caregivers (such as parents).