But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.
Over-apologizing, on the other hand, can stem from a myriad of formative childhood experiences. For some, over-apologizing is a way to avoid conflict, especially if they grew up in a household where conflict sparked screaming matches, or led to violence. It can also stem from a fear of abandonment.
Excessive apologizing could be tied to mental health conditions like: depression. social anxiety. generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)
Apologies, when warranted, are a sign of empathy in the workplace. But over-apologizing — or excessively saying sorry when you don't need to — is a bad habit that can undermine your authority, and more importantly, it hurts your self-esteem.
Although it may seem like a harmless — even overly polite — habit, it comes with consequences. Mental health professionals say over-apologizing can lead to resentment towards others, shame around one's identity, and a constant struggle to stand up for oneself.
The apology is put out there merely to end the argument
Apologising in order to finish the conversation, most especially if the apology isn't sincere, is manipulative. Not only is it manipulative, but it is also counterproductive. Arguments that end without being truly solved, never really end.
This apology impulse may have its roots in childhood. Many women (and men) are taught to uphold the value of politeness. It's socialized into our psyches that being nice equates to likability. Apologizing excessively can be the result of a genuine desire to demonstrate respect.
Are you constantly saying “sorry” in your conversations with others? For example, do you find yourself saying things like, “Gosh, I'm so sorry about the bad weather we're having!” or opening up your sentences with, “I'm sorry to bother you, but can I ask you a question?”
Kids may form this habit out of feeling overly anxious about bothering anyone, getting in trouble, or being noticed. Or, they may be so stressed out or self-conscious about their own mistakes that they can't move on from them.
However, this habit of over-apologizing can be a sign of anxiety. Anxiety craves the approval of others, and hates the presence of tension, so apologizing for even the most minor things can be a sign of an anxious mind.
Subjective Emotion
Feelings of guilt, remorse, responsibility, sadness, and embarrassment, scored higher in the sincere apology condition.
Often apologies can be seen as passive behavior, but not in the submissive sense, but rather in the non-aggressive sense. It can be behavior meant to soothe and calm you, even if you don't need calming or soothing, it can reflect his desire to not be perceived as a threat or unfriendly presence.
Over-apologizing dilutes our apologies when they're needed. And over-apologizing can make us look less confident. It can seem as though we're sorry for everything - for our actions and feelings, for taking up space, for our mere existence.
Excessive apologizing on its own doesn't mean you have OCD. Apologizing excessively could be a part of people-pleasing, or the result of childhood trauma. It could also simply be a communication style you learned in your life.
Over-apologizing stems from a submissive state; when individuals use this tactic, they try to avoid confrontation or an escalating situation. This behavior may be especially prevalent in abuse victims who are no longer with their abuser but have not adequately healed from their past.
Apologizing for the pain and difficulty of the current situation, even if you didn't cause it, shows you place a higher value on the other person than you do on the need to be right. Lose the battle to win the war—You need to have a long-range perspective when it comes to relationships.
When this happens, it's usually for one of two reasons: (1) We don't care enough about the other person or the relationship to take on the emotional discomfort of owning our mistake and apologizing for it; or (2) We believe our apology won't matter.
Saying “I'm sorry” actually shows strength, not weakness. A person who can apologize—and truly mean it—is self-aware. They've taken the time to really think about their actions and reflect on the conflict from all perspectives.
A sincere apology should acknowledge the mistakes and try to show that you have learned from them. It can be as simple as saying, “I regret my decision” or “I apologize for my mistake”. It should not sound like an excuse or justify what you did wrong in any way.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is often the method they use. By apologizing, they place doubt in their victims' minds. “They apologized to me, so they can't be as terrible as I remember them being.”
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.