While this lesser-known trauma response seems harmless, experts warn that “being too nice” is actually a maladaptive coping mechanism with serious consequences.
People-pleasing is sometimes referred to as the “fawning” trauma response because it's so closely associated with overly-appeasing behaviors and cycles of codependency.
In most cases, people-pleasing behavior is motivated by insecurity and low self-esteem caused by trauma bonds in childhood. People who were neglected, mistreated, or abused by their caregivers tried to please them in the hope of receiving attention and better treatment.
Fawning or people-pleasing can often be traced back to an event or series of events that caused a person to experience PTSD, more specifically Complex PTSD, or C-PTSD. Fortunately, C-PTSD can be approached and treated through comprehensive therapy.
In the most extreme situations, you might have lapses of memory or “lost time.” Schauer & Elbert (2010) refer to the stages of trauma responses as the 6 “F”s: Freeze, Flight, Fight, Fright, Flag, and Faint.
Intrusive memories
Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event. Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event. Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event.
Causes of people-pleasing
Low self-esteem: People who feel they are worth less than others may feel their needs are unimportant. They may advocate for themselves less or have less awareness of what they want. They may also feel that they have no purpose if they cannot help others.
The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
An intensely unstable self-image or sense of self…
People suffering from BPD often believe themselves to be bad, evil, or completely without identity at all. Thus, they try to alleviate this with “people pleasing” behavior in their social circles.
While this may not be true for everyone, the strong desire to be empathetic can be a trauma response. If your struggles were dismissed when you were growing up, you may overcompensate by paying extreme attention to other people's emotional states instead.
Trauma often threatens what people value most in their lives, and the recovery process can result in a greater sense of gratitude for things that often go unnoticed. Trauma might shift your priorities and increase your appreciation for the value of life as well as the everyday things you otherwise take for granted.
Because of their innate sensitivity to emotional pain, people with ADHD might become people pleasers, always making sure that friends, acquaintances, and family approve of them: “Tell me what you want, and I'll do my best to become it.
The Study of Empathy as a Trauma Response
In both groups, adults who reported experiencing traumatic events as children (including death, sexual abuse, parental divorce, and physical abuse) reported higher levels of affective empathy.
It is a natural human instinct to want to please others and to present oneself at one's best. It is, in fact, a very positive quality to consider others' feelings and be emotionally intelligent.
Abstract. Williams syndrome is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by hypersociability and unique neurocognitive abnormalities. One of the characteristics of Williams syndrome is an inappropriate increase in social behavior. People with the syndrome may be overly friendly, even to strangers.
People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others' needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.
People-pleasing is associated with a personality trait known as "sociotropy," or feeling overly concerned with pleasing others and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships. 2. This behavior can be a symptom of a mental health condition.
People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy.
People pleasers tend to do anything possible to avoid conflict, even if it means turning into an entirely different person. Your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves. They can go to extremes to earn words of praise from others.
The three R's – Reaching the traumatised brain. Dr Bruce Perry a pioneering neuroscientist in the field of trauma has shown us to help a vulnerable child to learn, think and reflect, we need to intervene in a simple sequence.
The trauma-informed approach is guided four assumptions, known as the “Four R's”: Realization about trauma and how it can affect people and groups, recognizing the signs of trauma, having a system which can respond to trauma, and resisting re-traumatization.
Re-experiencing or re-living unwanted memories as flashbacks or nightmares. Hyper-arousal: problems with sleep, irritability, anger, anxiety, hyper-alertness, exaggerated startle response. Hypo-arousal: feeling numb or cut off, feeling detached from others, dissociating, feeling flat or empty. Emotional dysregulation.