While emotional availability is a key part of healthy relationships, emotional unavailability tends to be characteristic of unhealthy or even toxic relationships or patterns.
Emotional Unavailable People are Not Always Toxic. An emotionally unavailable is someone who finds it difficult to share feelings and to get genuinely close to another. It doesn't mean they don't have feelings — they do — but they can't access or express them, often both.
Sometimes, emotional unavailability and emotional abandonment may also be considered emotional abuse. You may find emotional abuse gradually takes away your freedom, individuality, and sense of self.
“When you meet someone who isn't emotionally available, you may notice that their communication behaviors are inconsistent, they pick and choose when they answer you or don't, wait stretches of time before they text you back, hoping to keep you on the line—and all of these are red flags.”
Dating someone emotionally unavailable can be a difficult, frustrating, and ultimately painful experience. It may feel like you're always trying to reach a goal that keeps moving further away. You may wonder if there's something wrong with you if someone who claims to love you keeps you at arm's length.
If you need a lot of quality time, affection, and reassurance, an emotionally unavailable partner is not the right fit for you. If you find yourself constantly pursuing your partner for more intimacy and closeness, take a moment to really consider if you can do this for the rest of your life.
Traumatic events: There could also be situational causes such as a break-up, divorce, or traumatic experience that can cause people to shut down emotionally in order to maintain everyday functioning, because if they were to feel the extent of their emotions it might be challenging for them to go on living their lives.
There are different types of emotional unavailability and different factors that can contribute to them. We have a tendency to go right to the worst-case scenario when we find ourselves in a relationship with someone who tilts more on the emotionally unavailable side of the spectrum.
While there is no one explanation for emotional unavailability, it can be caused by a number (or combination) of factors. These include attachment styles developed in childhood, history in relationships, trauma, mental health conditions, and one's circumstances and priorities.
It is important to remember that emotional detachment is not a mental health condition, but it might be a symptom of some mental disorders. If you think you might be experiencing symptoms of emotional detachment, you should talk to a doctor or mental health professional.
It's the ultimate “out of sight, out of mind” mentality. Of course, an emotionally unavailable person can change, but like any personal overhaul, they have to want to do it themselves.
An emotionally unavailable person is typically not willing or able to truly commit to you and be loyal to you. This type of person will often want to keep things casual and undefined so as to not deal with any of the emotional components that go into a long-term relationship.
We Love The Chase
We, as humans, often want what we can't have. If you're chasing after somebody who's emotionally unavailable, it's going to be a never ending, dead-end chase, but that might be exciting to you. There's a lot of psychology behind this, too, it's called intermittent reinforcement.
You're attracted to uninvolved people because some part of you may also be unavailable. That's not something that makes you a bad person or partner. Rather, these are your deeply ingrained fears of intimacy, commitment, engulfment, rejection, or getting hurt.
People who are emotionally unavailable are often unaware of the feelings of others. (This is also a typical sign of a narcissist, by the way.) They tend to value control over situations and aren't willing to compromise.
To define emotional unavailability, it may be useful to first consider what it means to be the opposite -- emotionally available. One of the most important ingredients in a secure and healthy relationship is the ability to 'show up' for the other person emotionally (Saunders et al., 2015).
"In other words, people who attract emotionally unavailable people tend to have grown up in homes where one or both parents were also emotionally unavailable. In IMAGO therapy (a form of relationship counseling), we refer to this as the 'Triple P Effect.
They Don't Respond To Your Emotional Side
Emotionally distant people have trouble with all emotions, not just their own. If they change the subject when you try and talk about your feelings, or if they become withdrawn, frustrated, or even annoyed, these are signs they are emotionally unavailable.
An emotionally unavailable man may miss you when you take a break from the relationship, are away from his immediate reach, or feel detached from you. Research has shown that although emotionally unavailable, the emotionally unavailable man is not without feelings.
When you ignore an emotionally unavailable man, there is a possibility that this could trigger an old trauma or hurt. Instead of him opening up or realizing, he might feel you're doing the same thing again. This is why it's also important to understand what happened or what triggered him to be like this.
Does no contact work on an emotionally unavailable man or woman? Most of the time no contact with an emotionally unavailable man or woman works because it gives them the space and the time they need to think about themselves and their relationship.
Detached love doesn't mean you don't want to be deeply connected and connected for a long time; it means that while you're connected you choose to allow the beloved to fully be themselves without expectations about the outcome of your relationship.