“When you meet someone who isn't emotionally available, you may notice that their communication behaviors are inconsistent, they pick and choose when they answer you or don't, wait stretches of time before they text you back, hoping to keep you on the line—and all of these are red flags.”
Is it bad to be emotionally unavailable? Being emotionally unavailable does not make you a bad person or someone incapable of love. It only means that you have some personal development to do in order to be a good partner. As with all things romance and life, it's a learning experience.
Emotionally unavailable people can certainly fall in love. They just might have a harder time recognizing when it happens and putting their feelings into words. Remember, emotional unavailability often stems from a deeper fear of intimacy or rejection — fears that can complicate someone's experiences with love.
They avoid commitment
Fear of commitment and fear of getting too close are two common signs of emotional unavailability in men and women. Emotionally unavailable partners might prefer having casual relationships with multiple people or may end relationships if things are getting “too serious.”
An emotionally unavailable man has a difficult time knowing how to engage in the real-stuff conversations. In some instances, he may have some capacity to listen, but is emotionally shutting that part of himself down so that you don't get too close. If that's the case, you will likely feel shut down and alone.
Both Neblett and Gatling agree that if you address someone's emotional unavailability, express how it's affecting you and lead with "I" statements. It's also important to have clear examples of why you think they're emotionally unavailable so that they don't feel ambushed, Neblett emphasizes.
You could have an anxious attachment style and be codependent in relationships—this is also “disconnected.” In this case, it's just that instead of avoiding the emotions and leaning into intimacy, you tend to feel controlled by your emotions and try to fuse with your partner.
Perhaps you consciously want commitment, but deep down you fear true intimacy, losing your sense of self in the relationship, or getting hurt. As a result, it may feel safer to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, because you know on some level that you don't have to fully commit to the other person.
An emotionally unavailable man can fall in love, but it would take longer than someone who has their emotions in check. The reason is not far-fetched because he wants to be sure that he's not committing his emotions into the hands of someone that would break his trust.
They are not always toxic.
At its full blown best, it can be toxic. It blocks intimacy. It creates distance between partners and leads to breakups and loneliness. One of the common struggles in relationships is a mismatch in emotional expression.
Perhaps you consciously want commitment, but deep down you fear true intimacy, losing your sense of self in the relationship, or getting hurt. As a result, it may feel safer to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, because you know on some level that you don't have to fully commit to the other person.
One of the most common signs that someone is emotionally unavailable is that they don't reveal or show their actual feelings around you. And while you may encourage them to open up and be able to express their emotions, they never let their guard down around you to say what's really on their mind.
To be available is to be ready and willing to do something. If a man is emotionally available, he is literally going to be aware of his emotions and then ready and willing to express them. At the end of the day, it really is as simple as that.
Breadcrumbing is often a sign that someone is emotionally unavailable. They want to know that you'll be there if and when they need you and they may get an ego boost when you respond to them, but ultimately they're unlikely to pursue a relationship with you.
Emotionally unavailable people are selfish. They convince you that whatever you are doing for them you are really doing for yourself. This narcissistic behavior typically stems from past heartbreak. At one point, they probably loved deeply, passionately, and vulnerably, and had it end in agony.
Jealousy is about a lot of things, including insecurity, immaturity, and fear. Emotionally unavailable men may experience jealousy more intensely because they bottle up their feelings.
Most of the time no contact with an emotionally unavailable man or woman works because it gives them the space and the time they need to think about themselves and their relationship. Often dumpers do come back because they have had the time to reflect on their actions and emotions.
The bottom line
Emotionally unavailable people have the ability to evolve and the capacity to empathize. Malignant narcissists, on the other hand, often do not, and some of them actually enjoy putting others down to derive a sense of power.
Ignoring an emotionally unavailable man is the only way to go as long as you are going into no contact for your own emotional well-being and not as a vengeful tactician. The is no revenge that is more debilitating to an emotionally unavailable ex than your indifferent success.
You accept the love you think you deserve and this is where you might go wrong. When someone who is emotionally unavailable gives you attention, you instantly feel an attraction because somewhere deep down you resonate with them. It gets easier for you to express yourself and before you know it, you are in a trap.
Have a conversation with your partner and make sure they understand that their emotional unavailability is a problem for you. Confirm that they are willing to do something about it. Make sure that they understand that they need to take responsibility for making a concerted effort to reach out to you.