Here's what you might not realize: Forgiving someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to reconcile with them—or need to continue a relationship with them. You may choose to not have them in your life at all. “Forgiveness is experienced inside one's skin,” says Worthington.
You can forgive someone and yet not want anything to do with them. People need to understand that forgiveness is for past reconciliation and not for future consideration.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship, it doesn't obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.
You don't have to tell the person you've forgiven them
One misconception about forgiveness is that you have to tell the other person that you've forgiven them. The fact of the matter is: It's a personal decision whether you tell them or not, and telling them is not part of the actual forgiveness process.
Reasons Why It's OK Not to Forgive Someone
If forgiving someone guarantees that they're back in your life, and if that puts those around you (like your children or family) at risk. If that person pressures you to partake in negative behaviors, for example, drinking if you're sober.
In a word – absolutely! Forgiveness is the foundation that must be laid in order to journey toward healing. When we forgive someone, instant healing doesn't come (especially when the hurt causes deep emotional wounds). Once forgiveness takes place, we can choose to be intentional in the healing process.
Trust has to be rebuilt, and while forgiveness is a part of that rebuilding process, granting forgiveness does not mean you're granting trust, too. If you're the person who broke the trust, you may think that once you've been forgiven, things can go back to the way they were.
Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that allows you to focus on yourself and helps you go on with life.
One of the signs of forgiveness is being able to have neutral thoughts about the person and dropping the grudge. It's important to note that this doesn't mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behavior that caused the harm.
Forgiveness actually embodies three different things, each of which applies to different situations and provides different results. The three types of forgiveness are: exoneration, forbearance and release.
The negative consequences of not forgiving has been documented in studies that show that it can lead to emotional pain of anger, hate, hurt, resentment, bitterness and so on and as a consequence can create health issues, affect relationships and stop us from experiencing the freedom that forgiveness enables.
And there's no set time for how long it takes to work through and process the hurt. “Forgiveness is allowing negative feelings of outrage and grief to come in, and then letting them go because you're now at peace with your life.”
If you cannot forgive, you cannot sustain love. Sooner or later a loved one will say or do something hurtful. Then a test of love will ensue. Without the aid of forgiveness, you will not be able to right and restore the relationship.
Reconciliation is the final step in the forgiveness process, but it is the “cherry on top”—an extra bonus when and if it occurs.
The final stage of forgiveness is Acceptance.
You feel at peace. You no longer need to keep your anger close to your heart. You are ready to release yourself from the bondage of bitterness or resentment. You find you no longer need to harbor the pain as a way of protecting yourself.
The final step to true forgiveness is to become a forgiving person. Take these steps into your everyday life, and you won't have to struggle with the burden of anger or feelings of resentment ever again.
However, many people make the mistake of treating this command to include both forgiveness and reconciliation as if they are synonymous, and must be packaged together. This is not the case. They are two distinct things, and they do not always go together. Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation.
Forgiveness is an important skill, and it can be positive. It may improve both your mental and physical health and lead to resolution and personal growth in some cases. And even though you've forgiven someone, it doesn't mean you have to forget their offense.
“In fact, mental health experts recommend forgiving those who have hurt you to improve your mental health and well-being.” Remember that when healing a friendship, you also need to heal yourself. Beauchamp suggests turning to tools such as meditation, breathwork, and journaling to help you process any complex emotions.
Forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness. When someone hurts us, it's easy to stay angry with them; it means we don't have to do the hard work of forgiving. When you feel fury rising, try saying this mantra: 'I forgive you and release us both from emotional pain.
When someone does something wrong to you, it often takes time and effort to get beyond what they did and to forgive. A common observation, though, is that older people (in their 70s and 80s) are much more forgiving than young and middle-aged adults.