Even though we are taught that narcissism is an excess of self-love, it is typically an external-facing coping mechanism for low self-esteem or feelings of low self-worth.
Narcissism is the primary defense against shame and often goes hand-in-hand with the other two defenses. When people suffer from an unbearable sense of shame, they often seek to elicit admiration from the outside, as if to deny the internal damage.
The emergence and development of narcissistic traits, such as seeking excessive admiration from others, feelings of grandiosity and interpersonal competitiveness, have mostly been related to traumatic experiences in childhood [12,13,14].
Narcissism and its Origins
Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.
The cause is likely complex. Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to: Environment — parent-child relationships with either too much adoration or too much criticism that don't match the child's actual experiences and achievements. Genetics — inherited characteristics, such as certain personality traits.
Narcissists can sometimes be helpful and caring. However, more often than not, they only pretend to have these qualities. Moreover, even when they act giving and helping, they are not motivated by empathy because they severely lack it, and as a result, their help is often not very productive.
According to Thomaes & Brummelman, the development of narcissism begins at around the ages of 7 or 8. This is the time when children begin to evaluate themselves according to how they perceive others. Although narcissism comes partly down to genes, it is also impacted by the environment.
As with any other trait, change is possible and psychotherapy may help. A narcissistic person who may not meet the diagnostic requirements for NPD may still be capable of empathy. They might be more likely to have insight and self-awareness about how their behaviors impact others. This may make change more likely.
They have speculated that if narcissists received true feedback, they would change. The Carlson and colleagues' study suggests this is not the case: Narcissists are fully aware that they are narcissistic and that they have a narcissistic reputation.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Treatment
There is no cure, but therapy can help. The goal is to build up the person's poor self-esteem and have more realistic expectations of others. Treatment usually centers on talk therapy. Sometimes people call this psychotherapy.
Victims of narcissistic abuse have been reported to experience symptoms similar to PTSD, known informally as narcissistic abuse syndrome. Symptoms include intrusive, invasive, or unwanted thoughts, flashbacks, avoidance, feelings of loneliness, isolation, and feeling extremely alert.
The development of narcissistic traits is in many cases, a consequence of neglect or excessive appraisal. In some cases, this pathological self-structure arises under childhood conditions of inadequate warmth, approval and excessive idealization, where parents do not see or accept the child as they are.
In fact, narcissists are often attracted to strong, confident, and self-assured women. While this may seem counterintuitive, it is important to realize that the narcissistic traits of grandiosity and confidence are really a mask for deep insecurity.
Beware of these signs: A narcissist who is using mind control doesn't care about your feelings or pain. A narcissist will use a variety of emotional and other manipulative techniques to get you to do or think a certain way. A narcissist may use flattery and love to affect you.
Unlike fine wine or cheese, narcissists don't get better with age. They don't mellow, become wise, or develop late-onset self-awareness. Their personalities intensify, and without their ability to control others, they become bitter, defensive, and bossy.
Self-Blame Leads to Shame
Because narcissists' inner guiding voice is so critical and harsh, narcissists try to avoid all responsibility for anything that goes wrong. In order to avoid self-hatred, they project the blame onto someone else.
Narcissists can and do love, but their love tends to be superficial and fleeting. They can develop intense emotional attachments—even appearing to "fall in love"—and yet still maintain a complete lack of empathy for the object of their affection.
Someone living with narcissism does cry. They can feel regret, remorse, and sadness. These emotions, however, don't often have roots in empathy. American Psychiatric Association.
Narcissists may show you love and act in loving ways, but this tends to be conditional, in that displays of love depend on what you can give them in return. For people with NPD, relationships tend to be transactional. Love is not self-serving, proud, boastful, exploitative, or envious.
Living with a narcissist may feel difficult, but it's possible to preserve your well-being with strong boundaries, a solid support network, and a therapist who's informed on narcissism. You may also find it useful to attend a National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) family support group in your area.
At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.
Forgive yourself for setting unreachable expectations and think about why you set them so high to begin with. Allow yourself to experience emotions instead of trying to control every outcome. Identify your triggers for narcissistic rage. Celebrate your personal victories.
Freud (1914/1957) proposed that parental overvaluation, together with a lack of warmth for the child's needs, is associated with higher traits of narcissism. Entitlement, a core aspect of both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism, may be encouraged by a parenting style that is both overvaluing and lenient [18, 23, 24].
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.