It is a form of manipulation. It's indirect and dishonest. Anyone can be passive-aggressive at times. Exaggerated interest or sweetness (but you feel like you'll be stabbed in the back the moment you leave the person.
We often refer to the passive-aggressive attitude as “coming in the back door” or manipulative. The passive-aggressive person has a definite want and is invested in the outcome and but will not clearly express it or put it out up front.
Either they aren't aware of the hurt, anger, and resentment they are acting from, or they don't know how to communicate more clearly. Some passive-aggressive people are aware of what they are doing; in these cases, their behavior is a form of manipulation or gaslighting.
Someone who is passive-aggressive often lets others take control while someone who is aggressive is more confrontational or directly forceful. So, someone who is passive-aggressive exerts their control over situations in a less direct or recognizable way.
Specific signs of passive-aggressive behavior include: Resentment and opposition to the demands of others, especially the demands of people in positions of authority. Resistance to cooperation, procrastination and intentional mistakes in response to others' demands. Cynical, sullen or hostile attitude.
This type of behavior often comes from feelings of insecurity or powerlessness, which lead to subtle but damaging reactions. It's important to remember that the person behaving passive aggressively is not automatically a bad person, they are just responding to their environment in the only way they know how.
Passive aggression stems from deep anger, hostility, and frustration that a person, for whatever reason, is not comfortable expressing directly. When dealing with passive-aggressive behavior, it's important to understand that beneath all of those snide remarks lies a deep unhappiness and sadness.
Because they are indirect about their thoughts and feelings, their intentions are not clear. Stefan Falk, a leadership consultant who studies workplace psychology, says passive-aggressive behavior “destroys value, as well as pollutes the work environment.”
Chronic lying and deception is one of the most common types of passive-aggressive gaslighting, whereby the gaslighter creates a false narrative about or against the gaslightee that has little proof or validity.
Passive-aggressiveness is a behavior where people tend to avoid direct conflict and express their anger indirectly through sulking, procrastination, withdrawal, stubbornness, controlling, and sabotaging tasks (1).
It's important to note that not all passive-aggressive individuals are narcissistic. What characterizes the passive-aggressive narcissist is their barely disguised sense of superiority, conceit, and entitlement. They are inclined to become covertly hostile when they don't get their way, no matter how unreasonable.
A passive-aggressive person will avoid face-to-face confrontation. They can't show their feelings; therefore, being lonely will improve peace of mind. Most passive aggressors will isolate themselves to clear harsh feedback.
“People who are passive-aggressive often [have] low self-esteem; they tend to be anxious and feel that they must control others,” explains Colleen Wenner, a licensed mental health counselor in Fort Walton Beach, Florida.
A passive-aggressive person will sometimes verbally and visually express their discontent in ways that clearly indicate their unhappiness, as with sighing, pouting, or sulking, but fail to actually address it in meaningful ways. A passive-aggressive person may act sullenly in place of direct confrontation.
Condescending comments, put-downs and sarcasm — all hallmarks of passive-aggressive behavior — contribute to an environment of incivility, according to experts. Left unchecked, latent contempt can erode morale and contribute to burnout, even if you otherwise enjoy your job.
In the short term, passive aggressive behaviors can be more convenient than confrontation and generally require less skill than assertiveness. They allow a person to exact revenge from behind the safety of plausible excuses and to sit on the sofa all weekend long rather than complete a list of undesirable chores.
Social exclusion: Be direct
You might only find out after the event through gossip or social media. Leaving someone out is sneaky but deliberate. The person doesn't want to confront you, but they want you to feel isolated. You can annoy passive-aggressors like this by direct confrontation.
The silent treatment can often be used when the person doesn't have the tools to respond differently. When faced with the triggering of strong feelings, they may not know what else to do — so they go quiet. It can also be a passive-aggressive response to avoid directly communicating how (hurt) they feel.
As a psychiatrist I teach my patients to address passive aggressive behavior directly as the person may not be aware of the impact on you since they are short on empathy.
People who are passive-aggressive rarely show anger. Instead, they stuff it down inside. They may even appear happy and accommodating on the outside but will act on their pent-up anger, taking it out on others in a behind-the-scenes way.
The good news is that there is a way to stop this behavior, both in ourselves and in others. The key is to remember this six-word phrase: "Attack the problem, not the person."