Don't tell them you're leaving. You shouldn't tell the narcissist you want to end the relationship right away, according to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse." "That might seem counterintuitive, but the toxic person will absolutely follow with one of two things," she said.
Narcissists hate losing their supply of attention, so they won't let you go easily. Prepare for them to promise "to change." They might suddenly start doing things for you that you'd been complaining about. They may say "you'll be lost without me," or "you'll never find someone like me."
They can have deep regret for failed relationships and they may feel loss very deeply. But they feel that regret and loss only insofar as they relate to their own agenda and feelings. Their remorse points inward. They may feel very sad that they lost someone and they may genuinely miss that person.
Here's the answer to the question. Do narcissists even care when you're gone? No, they don't. They always have someone to replace you.
Narcissists can't take rejection and they see it as a personal attraction to their character. Even after long periods of the breakup, they can't accept the fact that you're moving on. Now that you're seeing someone else, your narcissistic ex would act like a predator.
The Guilt Factor
Guilt is a common emotion for people leaving an addict or a narcissist. Those leaving addicts often feel guilty as they fear the removal of stability and support may lead the addict into a downward spiral in the addiction.
Fear of being alone – Narcissists are skilled at destroying their partner's social circles and relationships with family members. The prospect of leaving may equate to a feeling of being truly alone; Fear of reprisals – The narcissist may have created a culture of fear and anxiety in their partner's life.
Leaving a narcissist is similar to breaking a heroin addiction. It is painful and difficult, but in the end, you get your life back. In order to get yourself through the hardest parts of the initial break, you must allow yourself to experience the discomfort and anxiety, and let yourself grieve your loss.
Narcissists don't know they're hurting you. It doesn't even enter their minds. And, if you try to tell them how you feel, they get defensive and make you feel you're wrong again. In fact, they'll even rather “innocently” tell you: “I'm only trying to help you.”
The best way to shut down a narcissist is to walk away from them. If all else fails, you can physically remove yourself from the conversation. Even if they keep talking, simply turn around and walk away. If they follow you, close the door.
Sadly, empaths breaking up with a narcissist may start to question themselves. They may even spiral into a pit of depression and anxiety. Some may even wonder whether they're narcissistic because they began to mimic their partners' behaviors during the relationship — which happens in all relationships, healthy or not.
Simply put, narcissists hate being ignored. They probably want to make you feel ashamed, regretful, and rattled. They want to be in control and will go to any length to keep feeling empowered. It's critical to understand that a narcissist will not leave you alone the first time you ignore them.
A narcissist will never take responsibility for anything. They are the perennial victim and thus they will push all the blame for any of the relationship challenges on you if you decide to discard them first.
"It is widely quoted that it takes an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship." Narcissistic relationships usually begin with covert emotional abuse (perhaps just mild criticisms to start with) which slowly ramp up as the recipient grows accustomed to it.
The emotional hangover when we're undergoing recovery from a narcissistic relationship is typically profound sadness and secondary to this feeling is rage. Rage that someone who professed to love you could suddenly turn around and treat you so entirely without empathy. The rage quite often is disguised as depression.
They experienced higher levels of negative emotions and walked away with particularly negative views of their ex-partner. So if you're ending a relationship with a narcissist, you may find them either especially nonchalant about the breakup or especially upset.
- Thus, when you leave them, ask them for a divorce, or abandon them, they are totally shocked. Narcissists live in a world where they do no wrong; they do not believe they abuse others. To the contrary, they believe others abuse them. This is why they are shocked when you go no contact with them.
In contrast, an empath will remember everything the narcissist ever told them. They will know exactly what to say to turn the tables back on the narcissist and retain control of the situation by humiliating them. Humiliation is a narcissist's biggest weakness.
For a person who is narcissistic, their self-esteem is often tied to your relationship with them. When they see that you have moved on and are now dating someone else, they will feel jealous and threatened.
Long term exposure to abuse can therefore lead to new neural pathways being formed which simply bypass emotions completely. It's protective evolution of the brain. And means that narcissists never feel hurt, pain or love. Therefore they can move on without a care in the world.
"The central motivator for narcissists is validation," she explains. "And an ex is often a really interesting place to get it... They constantly need that fresh narcissistic supply, and they kind of know what an ex's supply is like."