Confessing is crucial if you're invested in someone other than your partner, she adds. That's because your affair could be a sign that some elements—say, sexual intimacy or other kinds of closeness—are missing from your current relationship, and you'll need to address them if you want your union to survive.
Although telling could make the cheater feel better for getting the affair off their chest, it could put their partner in a not-so-great position where they feel bad about themselves or like they can't trust the cheater anymore. "The details [of the affair] aren't as important as the why [you did it]," Nelson said.
If you believe you should tell your partner you cheated on them, you'd be right in many cases. But sometimes, deciding not to share your infidelity could actually save your relationship and is a course of action that relationship experts condone.
There is no clear-cut right or wrong answer to this question, unfortunately. Psychology Today suggests that perhaps you should simply "do the right thing," even if it means telling your friend or loved one the truth, and seeing them get hurt.
Matchmaker and dating coach Terran Shea of Mutual Match says being honest with your new partner is the best policy. “It is better to be up front and honest from the beginning if you've cheated in the past,” she tells Global News.
Be willing to commit but don't make empty promises
“I cheated and feel guilty! Does the guilt of cheating ever go away?” It does. It is possible to get over the pain and guilt and move on.
Megan Fleming, a New York-based marriage counsellor and sex therapist, told Refinery29 that you should actually keep it to yourself. Telling your partner and therefore immediately unburdening yourself of your mistake is actually pretty selfish, she says.
Johns Hopkins University. "Married people who cheat don't often regret it: Infidelity survey reveals little remorse, high rates of satisfaction." ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 22 May 2023.
tell your partner you know about the affair. Keep it short and sweet, just reveal the facts. Don't get into a debate. Take a firm stance: "I know that this is going on and I want you to end it."
Give a clear account of the infidelity without using vague language. Say "I had sex with this person on three different occasions," and not "I hooked up with this person a few times." Don't leave anything open to interpretation and don't try to soften the blow by lying.
If you did cheat, confessing might help your relationship.
Good relationships are built on honesty. Though there is a very real chance that confessing that you cheated could end the relationship, it's generally better to confess than it is to get caught.
They experience crushing guilt
The thought of someone finding out what he has done makes it hard for him to focus on his work and distracts him from time with his family. Deep regret is with him all the time, and he may even stop (or try to stop many times) the affair due to his feelings of remorse.
In some cases, it stems from unmet needs in a relationship. Issues like lack of communication, boredom, and personal insecurities can fester when they're not fully addressed. If one partner feels like they're never listened to or respected in their primary relationship, they may look for that in another person.
Although many people believe in the adage, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” it is not necessarily true. Not every person who cheats once will cheat again. However, serial cheaters are people who seek out sexual partners on a continual, chronic pattern of infidelity.
Marin understood the pain that cheating could cause but warned against generalizing those who have been unfaithful. "People who cheat, they're not terrible, evil, horrible people. There are plenty of really great, wonderful people who cheat, as well," added Marin.
Guilt. It is normal to feel guilty about what you've done after cheating on someone. Guilt is a sign that you understand that what you did was wrong and that you have hurt your partner. Guilt can be a difficult emotion to feel, but it can encourage you to find a way to make things right.
We often think cheating is hush-hush, but plenty of people confide their infidelity in folks they trust. The reasons are numerous. If your friend cheated and told you about it, they might be sharing out of guilt, fear, worry, or even excitement.
Examples of micro-cheating behavior
Sharing intimate or personal details with someone outside of the relationship that should be reserved for a partner. Going out of one's way to spend time with someone who is not a partner, particularly if there is a romantic or sexual attraction present.
Realize forgiveness isn't a linear process: your partner may want to forgive you, but healing from your infidelity will likely take time. Don't expect your partner to forgive and immediately move on.
Physical cheating may be a one night stand or something that didn't have an emotional significance. Regardless of the type of infidelity, you made a mistake, and it's crucial to forgive yourself. One way to work through these complex feelings is by seeing a therapist.
For many individuals, it is hard to think that a relationship can survive infidelity and part of the healing process involves reflecting on what occurred and why. Most importantly, relationships can survive infidelity when both parties are willing to work together on healing and move forward in the relationship.
Your relationship cannot go back to normal, but you can create a better one for your future. Now, remember, this isn't an instant effect like something you pop in the oven, and it's done. It takes time, effort, and self-reflection from what you both have learned. The road is long, but it doesn't have to be complicated.