The consequences of ignoring a partner What is harmful about stonewalling is the person who is silent has more of the power, explains Ms Khuman. "They are the one that is deciding when the relationship will come back into connection. That's why it is harmful for the relationship, it's an imbalance of power."
A break is usually short while stonewalling can last hours, days, or even longer. Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior of the passive-aggressive kind. It involves entirely shutting the other person out and ignoring them, which causes them to feel like they are worthless and unimportant.
Stonewalling is a negative and destructive way of communicating. It often causes people to withdraw from the other person, which harms the emotional intimacy in a relationship. As people withdraw, it creates a sense of distance and the people in the relationship may begin to grow apart.
Try to forgive
Stonewalling manipulation is hurtful, but it's vital to approach it with a forgiving heart, especially when you know the other person is having difficulty expressing themself or struggles with conflict. In those situations, it takes you to put forth the extra effort.
While it's OK to take space from your partner or an issue before discussing it, stonewalling shows a desire to detach from the relationship and conflict resolution. It can affect both partners physiologically, and it often escalates conflicts because of the reaction it elicits from the stonewalled person.
The Practice of Physiological Self-Soothing
The second step to counteracting stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing.
While stonewalling may seem like a harmless tactic to deal with problems in your relationship, it can have disastrous effects and may even be a pathway to divorce.
In some cases, stonewalling is a trauma response. Those who experienced trauma, perhaps as a child or in previous relationship, will sometimes develop stonewalling as a coping mechanisism. It is a form of self preservation, like someone who passes out under extreme stress.
Online therapy and couples therapy can be an effective way to get additional support and guidance if you're experiencing stonewalling or other forms of emotional abuse. A therapist may be able to teach you coping strategies and provide a safe space to express your feelings.
Gottman and Gottman describe stonewalling as a relationship red flag. Usually used as a direct response to contempt, stonewalling occurs when “the listener withdraws from interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner.”
Emotional stonewalling can have serious consequences for relationships. It creates feelings of isolation, neglect, and frustration in the affected partner. It also makes it difficult to communicate effectively. This leads to further conflict or distance in the relationship.
Acknowledge that the only way a stonewaller's patterns will change is if they are willing to change them. If you're the only one willing to work on the relationship, reconsider it. Aggressive stonewallers sometimes act like victims to protect themselves.
The silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, is when a "listener withdraws from an interaction, refusing to participate or engage, essentially becoming unresponsive," explains John Gottman, world-renowned psychological researcher.
Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. This means that your spouse refuses to listen to you and your concerns. Stonewalling is one of the most prevalent narcissistic abuse techniques.
The “stonewaller” personality is the behavior of an individual who tends to shut down during an argument and refuses to communicate or even cooperate. This person is emotionally closed off, and at times it could be extremely hard to reach them.
Stonewalling Effects on Victim
In fact, Gottman and Levenson (2000) described the presence of stonewalling as one of the surest signs that a relationship might soon end. He observed that stonewalling sends the clear message that the stonewaller is not interested in trying to save, or even work on, the relationship.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Being able to identify the Four Horsemen in your conflict discussions is a necessary first step to eliminating them and replacing them with healthy, productive communication patterns.
If you're not sharing what's really on your mind, it might be a sign that you no longer want a deep connection. Similarly, if you've found that the usual fun banter between you is gone, or it's difficult to have engaging conversations, your bond could be getting weaker.
The person using the silent treatment may abruptly leave the house and stay out, or completely ignore the other partner the rest of the night, knowing this would be upsetting. In some cases, the use of the silent treatment may last for days or weeks.
In many cases, the person doing the stonewalling is not trying to be irritating or mean-spirited. Instead, they likely try to withdraw because the situation feels too emotionally overpowering. For some people, stonewalling can be a coping mechanism, a form of protection against feeling overwhelmed.