FLYING MONKEY is a popular psychology term that refers to an enabler of a highly narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A flying monkey is an agent who acts on their behalf.
When the narcissist wants to evoke some punishment on a target they dispatch their henchmen (aka flying monkeys) to do their bidding. Unfortunately, this can and often does include abusive behavior such as guilt-tripping, twisting the truth, gaslighting, assaults, threats, and violence.
As a general rule, narcissists use flying monkeys to gaslight, keep tabs on, invalidate, discredit, and isolate the people that they abuse. It is also very common for narcissists to use flying monkeys to get narcissistic supply when their main sources of supply are no longer available.
Why Do Flying Monkeys Believe and Help the Narcissist? Some flying monkeys are entirely unaware that they are participating in narcissistic abuse. Therefore, they will believe negative things about you because they are unsuspecting of the narcissist's lies.
Although narcissists act superior, entitled and boastful, underneath their larger-than-life facade lies their greatest fear: That they are ordinary. For narcissists, attention is like oxygen. Narcissists believe only special people get attention.
The flying monkey may use gaslighting tactics, open aggression, and guilt-tripping in order to make another person feel bad and weak, whilst shoring up the narcissist. And they're often involved in pleading the case of the narcissist.
In hindsight, some flying monkeys begin to realize they were a participant in a target's abuse when the narcissist's true colors are revealed. Unfortunately, there will always be some flying monkeys who know this from the beginning but do not care due to their own pathology and motivations.
Narcissists may use the silent treatment to communicate they are unhappy with you, to control you, or as a form of punishment. If the narcissist uses the silent treatment to deflect responsibility for something they have done wrong, it can also be a form of narcissistic gaslighting.
Narcissists are frightened, fragile people.
Rejection, humiliation, and even the tiniest of defeats can shake them to their core. This leaves narcissists wholly focused on their image.
The flying monkey lives to serve the narcissist. So when you are ignoring them, and their job is to get as much intel from you as possible, they fail the narcissistic leader in their life. When you ignore the flying monkey, you are legit taking away their purpose. You are taking away their meaning for living.
Grandiose sense of self-importance
Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. More than just arrogance or vanity, grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or “special” and can only be understood by other special people.
Those who become the narc's flying monkey usually love drama and have issues with integrity or a jealousy towards you when it comes to success, looks, or even money.
What Triggers Narcissistic Rage? Narcissistic rage is common for those with NPD as they grow increasingly angry with any display of vulnerability. This anger can be triggered when they are “called out,” their image has been damaged, or their shortcomings or wrongdoings are highlighted.
Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest. Some people anecdotally report that it reduces conflict and abuse.
They are designed to isolate, discredit, and silence the person that the narcissist is abusing. Flying monkeys are a tool that narcissists use to intensify the anguish of narcissistic abuse.
The final stage of the cycle of narcissistic abuse is the hoover maneuver. In this stage the flying monkeys enable the narcissist to hook the target and reel them back into the relationship so the cycle of narcissistic abuse can begin again. This may be done by carrying messages from the narcissist to the target.
There are two general types of flying monkeys – 'complicit and willing' (conspirator) and 'well-meaning dupes' (deluded). Remember you were once under the spell of this narcissist and the flying monkeys often are as well.
Flying monkeys are often people-pleasers or codependents. They are usually afraid of conflict or confrontation, and will take the easy road in order to avoid “problems.” They might have a hard time saying no. Alternatively they might feel guilty or ashamed if they don't comply with the narcissist's wishes.
Eventually flying monkeys will see the truth because they're simply a tool a narcissist uses to temporarily protect their fragile ego. Once the flying monkey has served their purpose, the narcissist will discard them as they do everyone else.
When a narcissist is exposed or when the narcissist knows you have figured him out, they will never admit the truth even if it is staring them in the face. A narcissist will lay several false accusations and try to make him right. They will say things you didn't utter and misinterpret all your intentions.
After the break-up, people will experience an obsessive longing for their abusive partner (drug), debilitating emotional pain, and often engage in self-destructive behavior. This emotional response is why some people feel incapacitated by the hurt and obsess about hooking up with an ex-partner for more abuse.