Negative communication patterns may present themselves as Gottman's evidence-based Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse predictors of divorce or separation in your relationship. Understanding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — and their antidotes — is vital to creating relationship satisfaction.
The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph. D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
Lack of intimacy is one of the top predictors of divorce. While intimacy is an essential aspect of a healthy marriage, reduced intimacy can be due to children or busy work lives.
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It is the most destructive negative behavior in relationships. In Dr. John Gottman's four decades of research, he has found it to be the number one predictor of divorce.
Divorce is disruptive enough for children of divorce without their parents involved in heated disputes. As a result, I take the approach and utilize what I call the three C's of Divorce with my clients and opposing counsel. Communication, Cooperation and Clarification.
Yes, that eye-rolling, disgusted, angry disdain that some people display when discussing problems with their other halves is a sure sign they're headed for divorce. Dr Gottman saw this as a clear pattern in his work with troubled couples.
But what many people don't realize is that these relationships are also some of the most likely to end in divorce. In fact, research has shown that nearly 60% of all marriages to narcissists – male or female – end in divorce. So, what's the reason for this high rate of divorce involving this one personality type?
A study led by the American Sociological Association determined that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women. And the percentage of college-educated American women who initiated divorce is even higher.
Marriages concluded between 20 and 24 years old are 20% likely to end in divorce, while marriages at 25-29 end in 15% of cases. Couples who tied the knot at 30-34 are the strongest, with only 14% of divorces. And lastly, marriages entered after 35 years old are at relatively high risk (19%) of breaking down.
According to Gottman's research from 1994, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce within the first 6 years of marriage.
Usually, these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
According to various studies, the 4 most common causes of divorce are lack of commitment, infidelity or extramarital affairs, too much conflict and arguing, and lack of physical intimacy. The least common reasons are lack of shared interests and incompatibility between partners.
After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, he was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predict divorce. He called them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.
In relationship terms, The Four Horsemen are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. Let's look at each of these and what you can do about them.
While there are countless divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. Of those two high-risk periods, there are two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.
While the stereotype is that women are the ones who want to get married, the truth is that they are one who want to get divorced when things aren't going right. In fact, studies show that 70% of divorces are initiated by women. When accounting for just college-educated women, that figure jumps up to 90%.
The average age for a couple entering their first divorce is 30 years old. And 60% of divorces involve spouses between the ages of 25 and 39. Women are more likely to file for divorce than men. The highest divorce rate is for African-American women aged 50 to 59.
There are anecdotal observations suggesting that the average length of a narcissistic relationship is around six months, but no empirical evidence supports this claim. Some people get married to narcissists and stay with them for years, while others leave or are left after a few weeks or months.
A narcissist will expect to get special treatment and to be able to control everything in the divorce, even the judge. They also don't like to lose, so they will file motions and fight hard to win, even over trivial matters that aren't worth the attorney fees.
In fact, narcissists are often attracted to strong, confident, and self-assured women. While this may seem counterintuitive, it is important to realize that the narcissistic traits of grandiosity and confidence are really a mask for deep insecurity.
What are the signs of an invisible divorce? Invisible divorce occurs when the couple no longer function as a couple. They organize their lives in such a way that they spend no time together, going so far as to sleep apart. Intimate relations are a distant memory, and emotional intimacy has disappeared as well.