According to Lindsey Gibson in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, there are four types of neglectful parents to look out for. These parents are either emotionally chaotic, relentlessly goal-focused, hands-off, or aggressively disinterested.
Emotionally immature parents share the common traits of being dismissive, selfish, self-involved, emotionally immature, and unavailable. They put their needs first and rely on their child to fill the gap and the void in their life.
Emotionally immature parents neglect to provide secure attachment for their children. Unfortunately, the effects of this type of parenting creates adult children who suffer from low self-esteem, a sense of emptiness and loneliness, depression, anxiety, trauma, substance abuse, and difficulties in relationships.
Some may think that an emotionally immature parent is necessarily a narcissist, but this is not true at all. There are, in fact, more than one type of emotionally immature parents. As you read the list of examples below, think about whether your parents fit any of them.
To summarize, overparenting, lack of warmth, leniency, overvaluation and childhood maltreatment have all been associated with higher levels of narcissism.
Emotional immaturity can be the result of insecure attachments during early life experiences, trauma, untreated addiction or mental health problems, and/or lack of deeper introspection or work on oneself. It can manifest as self-centeredness, narcissism, and poor management of conflict.
Examples of emotional neglect may include: lack of emotional support during difficult times or illness. withholding or not showing affection, even when requested. exposure to domestic violence and other types of abuse.
You may have been parentified as a child if you: Assumed household duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or paying the bills. Took care of the needs of younger siblings or relatives because your parents were unable to do so.
Create space for yourself: disengage, set limits, or leave. Before spending any time with your parent(s), try to plan how you're going to create some healthy space for yourself during the interaction. This way, you don't disconnect from your needs/goals, nor do you feel stuck in their one-person show.
Emotionally unstable or immature parents obstruct you from forgiving them. One helpful way is to Introduce a healthy emotional distance from them. Don't shun them but try not to get into emotionally charged conversations that could end up in bitter arguments. Instead, talk about safe topics, like hobbies or health.
It's crucial for you to have self-compassion and be present to yourself when emotionally immature parents are unable to be there for you. Whether your parent's behavior is self-involved or rejecting, whether they're passive or driven and ignore you and your needs, start by healing yourself through self-compassion.
Emotional Distance
Parents aren't able or willing to express empathy or emotional awareness toward their child. Parents aren't able or willing to hold space for the emotional vulnerability of their child. Parents aren't able or willing to offer their child attention except in the case of illness/emergency.
Maltreatment can cause victims to feel isolation, fear, and distrust, which can translate into lifelong psychological consequences that can manifest as educational difficulties, low self-esteem, depression, and trouble forming and maintaining relationships.
For children, affectional neglect may have devastating consequences, including failure to thrive, developmental delay, hyperactivity, aggression, depression, low self-esteem, running away from home, substance abuse, and a host of other emotional disorders. These children feel unloved and unwanted.
Emotional Neglect is Complex Trauma
Childhood trauma takes several forms, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is complex trauma that can result in complex post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Everyone has heard of PTSD, but C-PTSD is different.
Immature personality disorder (IPD) was a type of personality disorder diagnosis. It is characterized by lack of emotional development, low tolerance of stress and anxiety, inability to accept personal responsibility, and reliance on age-inappropriate defense mechanisms.
A variety of risk factors are associated with emotional immaturity in parents. Adverse early life experiences such as physical abuse, emotional abuse, or neglect can undercut a child's ability to develop emotional regulation.
In general, men and women cannot reach full maturity until their brains are fully developed at around age 25. However, some studies have shown that men do not fully mature until age 43… and that women reach maturity at age 32!
Narcissistic mothers will frequently criticize and belittle her children, often focusing on their perceived flaws or failures. She may be overly critical of her child's appearance, asking them to wear more make-up, change clothes, or lose weight.
They continue to be selfish and expect others, including their children, to cater to them. So, when their child does well, they take credit and brag about the child, and when the child struggles, they blame the child or others for it. They are controlling and they readily induce guilt in their children.
The children of a narcissist are often children who grow up to be codependent, people-pleasers, and have low self-esteem. They may never feel good enough for their parents or themselves.