There is apparent anger about the betrayal, hurt for being let down, and sadness about losing the relationship. The anger can be toward oneself for letting this happen, the partner who did this to them, and the liaison who shouldn't have crossed the boundaries.
You'll likely experience different emotions as you process what happened. For instance, it's common to feel disappointed or betrayed after infidelity, so take a moment to recognize these feelings are normal.
In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages of grief that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I'm going to add two more stages to betrayal: shock and obsession.
Relationships can survive infidelity if both individuals are willing to do the work of processing their emotions and thoughts with the goal of healing from the infidelity together. Moving past infidelity takes time and patience, but healing can result in greater growth and resilience for the couple.
A Rough Timeline. People need to understand that it takes at least two years for the shock waves of the infidelity to subside. That doesn't mean it's all bad for two years. In fact, couples may find they're doing better than ever during that period, but, at any given moment, reminders and triggers can still occur.
Does the pain of infidelity ever go away? Although cheating can have a lasting effect on your mental health, it's possible to heal after infidelity, says Babita Spinelli, a psychotherapist licensed in New York, New Jersey, and Florida. Spinelli offers couples coaching for partners recovering after infidelity.
The pain that comes with infidelity is inevitable, but people do recover. The healing process is different for both the one who cheated and the betrayed partner. For the unfaithful partner, healing often occurs quickly. However, the other continues to grieve and experience lingering triggers and reminders.
A woman feels abandoned
This is where most of the fear of being cheated on comes from. The woman feels that once replaced by someone else, she is no longer needed, wanted, and will eventually be discarded. It hurts her pride as a woman and worth as a person. She would feel that all her love and efforts are in vain.
Writing down your feelings and thoughts can help you process the feelings after being cheated on and reduce overthinking. Then again, journaling makes moving on after being cheated on easier, as it serves as a reminder never to put yourself in that negative emotional space again.
Infidelity makes you feel that you are not good enough. Your self-esteem plummets from reasonably high, or just okay, to close to zero. Your beloved found someone who was better and more attractive than you in his or her eyes—at least temporarily. You feel like trash, unworthy of being loved, unworthy of being.
People who cheat are likely impulsive and destructive at decision making. Instead of thinking about you and what happens to the relationship after cheating, they go based on what they want right now. Impulsiveness can be seen in other areas of the relationship, too. So keep an eye out.
Among men, 68% feel guilty after having an affair. Even if they haven't confessed the affair, most cheating husbands will feel guilty and express that guilt in their behavior. You may notice subtle changes in their behavior that make you wonder if your spouse is displaying cheating husband guilt.
Research shows that betrayed partners, after learning that their significant other has strayed, typically experience stress, anxiety, and depressive symptoms characteristic of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
Analysis revealed on the whole, women who cheated reported an increase in self-esteem and life satisfaction after the affair. Meanwhile the opposite appeared to be true for men, who suffered more after committing adultery.
Long-Term Impact of Betrayal Trauma
Dr. Carnes writes that in many cases of PTSD, infidelity causes new, distorted bonds to form between spouses. He calls these “trauma bonds” or “betrayal bonds.” Trauma bonds look different in every relationship.
Acceptance. The final stage of grief from a cheating spouse is acceptance. This will only happen once you fully acknowledge that your partner has betrayed you by having an affair. Acceptance can happen whether or not you have forgiven your spouse.
The way people feel about cheating on a spouse or partner can vary. Some feel really bad and truly regret it, others not as much. But no matter how much guilt or remorse a cheating person expresses outwardly, they all feel it inwardly to some extent.
In surveys of individuals who have cheated, falling out of love, seeking variety, and feeling neglected were the most commonly cited reasons, followed by situational forces, a desire to raise self-esteem, and anger with a partner.
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain.
Most definitely. While some cheaters take pride in how many people they've been without outside of their marriage, most unfaithful partners feel guilt and stress over breaking their marriage vows.
Know That You Aren't a Bad Person
"Cheating is a very serious thing. It's a very big deal, and you should take the time to really sift through all of those feelings and reactions you're having," said Gloria. "At the same time, you also need to recognize that this doesn't make you a categorically terrible person.
No, cheating doesn't mean your love wasn't real.
Whether you believe that someone can love their partner in the moment of infidelity or not, it's difficult to argue that there was never any love in a relationship just because someone cheated. People fall in and out of love all the time.
A person may also try to control or manipulate you, which is toxic behavior. When a partner is constantly cheating: If an intimate partner lies and cheats without even trying to change their behavior, it adds a toxic element to the relationship.