So, to answer the question, “Is my therapist attracted to me?”– the context of their actions is crucial. The actions may include a shift in boundaries, such as allowing sessions to go overtime or taking your calls between sessions, or if they appear to seek out opportunities to touch you deliberately.
You may be surprised to know that what you are experiencing with your therapist isn't uncommon. In fact, what you are likely experiencing is a phenomenon known as “erotic transference,” which is when a person experiences feelings of love or fantasies of a sexual or sensual nature about his or her therapist.
An obvious sign of transference is when a client directs emotions at the therapist. For example, if a client cries and accuses the therapist of hurting their feelings for asking a probing question, it may be a sign that a parent hurt the client regarding a similar question/topic in the past.
What Is Transference? Transference occurs when a client unconsciously projects feelings about someone else onto a therapist. These emotions can be positive, negative, or sexualized.
It's not uncommon for therapists to have feelings for clients, and vice versa—call it transference, countertransference, or something else.
Some of the things psychologists look for are your posture, hands, eye contact, facial expressions, and the position of your arms and legs. Your posture says a lot about your comfort level.
Your therapist may actively work with you to draw out these feelings or conflicts. This way they can better see and understand them. In all cases, a therapist should make the patient aware of when transference is happening. This way you can understand what you're feeling.
All well trained therapists are aware of transference and countertransference and should be comfortable bringing the dynamics up, when they sense that there is some form of transference happening.
So clients often have feelings for their therapists that are like the ones that children have towards their parents. Sometimes it feels like falling in love. Transference is completely natural and normal, and it can enhance the experience of therapy significantly.
Therapists' Feelings and Behaviors Toward Clients
Most therapists (71 percent) said they, either sometimes or regularly, found a client sexually attractive. Approximately 23 percent had fantasized about being in a romantic relationship and 27 percent about having sexual contact with a patient.
Your therapist's relationship with you exists between sessions, even if you don't communicate with each other. She thinks of your conversations, as well, continuing to reflect on key moments as the week unfolds. She may even reconsider an opinion she had or an intervention she made during a session.
Your therapist should validate your thoughts, emotions, actions, and experiences. This doesn't mean they agree with everything you say or do. In fact, there's an important difference between validation and approval.
We walk a fine line of being on your side but making sure that you are grounded and can maintain proper boundaries. So yes, we as therapists do talk about our clients (clinically) and we do miss our clients because we have entered into this field because we remain hopeful for others.
If someone is experiencing dissociation during a therapy session, it may show up through a certain eye expression or through shallow breathing. Or when the attention fades or there is agitation, or other behaviors.
Transference is often (though not always) the culprit when you feel triggered, emotionally hurt, or misunderstood in a therapy session. One tell-tale sign of transference is when your feelings or reactions seem bigger than they should be. You don't just feel frustrated, you feel enraged.
Therapists can also take steps to manage counter-transference. The 2018 meta-analysis recommends therapists closely monitor themselves and work on their conflicts through personal psychotherapy, meditation, and self-care. They may also consider clinical supervision.
Many therapists also choose to take as few notes as possible out of concern that people may be a little anxious about the notes (especially with patients exhibiting signs of paranoia or intense anxiety). Others also think the note-taking process itself can influence the patient too much.
When a client falls in love with a therapist it is likely to be 'transference': the predisposition we all have to transfer onto people in the present experiences and related emotions and unmet longings associated with people from our past.
Therapists are equipped with good communication skills such as active listening, asking questions, applying appropriate body language and postures, maintaining eye contact, and making conversations all about their clients and not themselves.
Your client's hands can give you clues about how they're reacting to what comes up in the session. Trembling fingers can indicate anxiety or fear. Fists that clench or clutch the edges of clothing or furniture can suggest anger.
If you're falling in love with your therapist, try not to panic. This is a common experience called transference. Discovering and healing the root of why you're experiencing transference can help you achieve healthier relationships, including the one you have with your therapist.
Attachment between a therapist and patient, or client, can be healthy, strong, and a key part of healing. Knowing my therapist is attached to me is one of the things that helps me feel safe—and for the kind of work that I have to do in therapy, it's an absolute necessity.