Fearful avoidant attachment is one of four adult attachment styles. Those with this insecure style of attachment have a strong desire for close relationships, but distrust others and fear intimacy. This leads people with a fearful-avoidant attachment to avoid the very relationships they crave.
People with the anxious attachment style often internalize what they perceive to be a lack of affection and intimacy as not being “worthy of love,” and they intensely fear rejection as a result. In an attempt to avoid abandonment, an anxious attacher may become clingy, hypervigilant, and jealous in a relationship.
We actually do crave intimacy.
“Avoidants do feel intense emotions, including deep and consuming love,” Iris*, 26, who identifies as avoidantly attached, tells SELF. We just need to feel like our independence is intact before we can let our walls down and connect.
At which point, the avoidant party undergoes a complete seachange. Their greatest fear, that of being engulfed in love, disappears at a stroke and reveals something that is normally utterly submerged in their character: a fear of being abandoned.
People with fearful avoidant attachment deeply desire intimacy. They're also immensely terrified by it. You can encourage them to talk about what they're feeling or what fears they sense, but don't be aggressive. This could push them to shut down.
Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style
Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them.
A fearful avoidant person may not be sure how to feel about their relationships with friends and romantic partners. They often crave a relationship but are fearful of getting hurt. Once it becomes too intimate or emotional, they are likely to withdraw or end the relationship.
Studies have found that avoidant attachers are less likely to date or seek relationships. In other words, they are more prone to having smaller social circles and, thus, may stay single for longer periods of time. Avoidant attachers are thus more susceptible to social loneliness and isolation.
Those with fearful-avoidant attachment believe that they do not deserve or are unworthy of love. However, equally, they do not trust other people for fear that they will be rejected. Fearful-avoidant attachment is mostly the result of severe childhood trauma, emotional neglect or abuse.
Those with fearful-avoidant attachments want love from others. They may even crave that affection. But, at the same time, they are reluctant to have close or intimate relationships. This is a unique combination of anxiously craving affection and avoiding it at any cost.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
They desperately want to feel connected but have a hard time trusting others. They tend to rely on themselves and often see themselves as abandoned, but they push people away, in actuality. There is a constant fear that their partner will view them in a negative light and leave.
People with a so-called avoidant attachment style have reported in previous research that they like touch less and engage in it much less than the average. Thus, they were the perfect candidates to investigate people who could benefit from less touch.
For these reasons, avoidant individuals tend to have fewer long-term relationships and prefer to either abstain from sex or have short-term and casual sex encounters. They are likely to use fantasy or pornography as a substitute for intimacy (similarly to the anxious group) and engage in emotion-free sex.
What causes a fear of intimacy? A fear of intimacy could be caused by past abandonment, difficult ex-relationships, or anxiety disorders. According to Gomez, childhood trauma can also create obstacles around intimacy if a person wasn't able to be authentic growing up.
If you think you're always letting people down and emotionally closed off you'll keep attracting that type of dynamic. And that's why an anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are so perfect for each other. The relationship allows them to continue thinking those things about themselves.
The anxiously attached person craves more connection and closeness and feels triggered by the avoidant person pulling away. Meanwhile the avoidant person feels triggered by the anxious person's desire for closeness because they themselves value their independence and freedom and fear being consumed.
"Fearful avoidant attachment individuals will probably feel like they 'deserve' the breakup, that it was inevitable, and they aren't likely to follow up with questions or to try to reignite the relationship," says Holland. They may be despondent one day, and cold and disconnected the next.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is a pattern of behavior in relationships that is marked by both high anxiety and high avoidance, wherein a person both craves connection but also fears getting too close to anyone. Also known as disorganized attachment, it's the rarest of the four attachment styles.
Fearful Avoidant
A fearful-avoidant can feel that they are not worthy of love or that they'll never find a lifelong partner. You are often skeptical of new prospects' feelings for you. Otherwise known as disorganized attachment, you are a mix of the dismissive-avoidant and anxious-preoccupied.
Children develop this dismissive avoidant attachment type as a response to lack of closeness with a parent, thus protecting themselves from being hurt or rejected. In friendships, this attachment type may be reserved and may have many acquaintances, but few close friendships.
The avoidant personality seems to desire affection and acceptance, but doesn't know how to fully experience or obtain it. Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder includes: Avoids activities that include contact with others because of fear of criticism, rejection, or feelings of inadequacy.
Initiate the breakup & suppress negative emotions
This response isn't to suggest that avoidant attachers don't feel the pain of a breakup – they do. They're just prone to pushing down their heartbreak and attempting to carry on with life as normal.
For example, someone with an insecure attachment style may love bomb in an effort to "secure" the relationship quickly, out of fear the partner will abandon them. The problem is, love bombing may overwhelm a partner and push them away, leading to a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
For a person with this anxious attachment style, romantic relationships are a source of massive ambivalence. They can come off as clingy and needy. Then, all of a sudden, they run away at the first sign of true intimacy. It can be confusing for both the fearfully avoidant person and their partner.
Because Fearful-Avoidant people lack access to internal resources to self-soothe, they compulsively reach out for connection when they experience negative emotional states. Once connection is established, however, the Fearful-Avoidant person starts to feel trapped, so they compulsively push people away.