If an avoidant starts pulling away, let them know that you care but do not chase them. It may be very painful to do this, but pursuing them is likely to make it take longer for them to come back. They need breathing space, to feel safe with their own thoughts and unengulfed.
Usually if a fearful avoidant is pulling away from you it's because you are triggering their avoidant core wound of, “I don't want to lose my independence and I feel like I may be losing myself in this relationship.”
If the avoidant is still mostly ignoring you and not talking much, try to listen to what their silence says. Then think also about why you react to their silence in the way that you do. I'd recommend against too physical or trying to seduce them as a way to bridge the communication gap and reestablish a link.
Fearful avoidants often “deactivate” their attachment systems due to repeated rejections by others9. When they are in distress, they deactivate their attachment behavior. Consequently, the more upset their romantic partner is, the less likely a fearful-avoidant adult is to offer comfort and support10.
If you want to get back together with a fearful avoidant, avoid doing or saying anything to make their anxiety worse. The goal is to make them feel safe around you, so remember to be calm, kind, and upbeat. Speak to them in a soothing tone of voice. Point out the silver lining when something bad happens.
Because people with an avoidant attachment style fear not being lovable or good enough, feeling criticized or judged by loved ones can be particularly painful. Especially when it comes to things that they are not so comfortable with, such as their emotions and feelings.
A fearful avoidant during no contact acts slightly differently from other attachment styles. Going no contact with them can become extremely distracting and often requires a lot of discipline. The fearful-avoidant does not express remorse or sadness over heartbreak in the initial weeks of the breakup.
Do avoidants ever come back? Yes, but let's clarify. Avoidants do sometimes cycle back around to those they have shut out, disappeared on, and ignored. However, just because they come back this doesn't mean this is a viable relationship.
We have found that on average a fearful avoidant will not initiate a reconnection with you. However, there is a window of time where they do consider it and if you time it right you can get them to come back if that's what you want.
Fearful avoidants both want and fear intimacy. So they seek closeness. But once they do, their fear of intimacy and attachment kicks in and they suddenly feel the need to escape, and this is when they need you to chase them.
Give them space when they pull away.
Avoidants need lots of space to feel comfortable in a relationship. Since they're afraid of commitment, spending too much time with them will make them feel smothered. When they start to grow distant, respect their need for time apart, even though it might be hard.
When texting a fearful avoidant, avoid being secretive and highly critical. Don't say things like: “I want to tell you something, but I can't right now.” If you're in a relationship with a fearful-avoidant, you'll notice that they always have a reason for not texting you- stress or getting triggered.
A fearful avoidant attachment style describes a person who craves closeness and support. However, they also fear it and feel the need to distance themselves from others at the same time.
At this point, you may be wondering: will an avoidant miss you? The thing is, when you're patient enough to give them a lot of time and space, they will initially get back to their everyday life. They will neither miss you nor demand time or attention from you.
The fearful avoidant will typically go through a period of euphoria after a breakup due to their newfound freedom from the confines of the relationship. However, that doesn't mean they won't eventually regret the breakup.
Remember that healing is always possible – at any age! By learning and regularly practicing secure attachment skills, you can move toward more secure attachment. Suggested practices for this pattern: Often, fearful-avoidant attachment comes from attachment injuries passed from parent to child.
What I've seen in the past is the fearful avoidant most likely will reach out to you first and before the month mark. If they don't then you can reach out to them around three to four weeks and just kind of see where they're at. You can see how they're doing and just care for them.
Avoidant attachers are thus more susceptible to social loneliness and isolation. Even when avoidant attachers do engage in dating and relationships, those relationships are usually casual and short-lived. Avoidant attachers tend to feel threatened by emotional intimacy and use various defense mechanisms.
A fearful-avoidant individual often benefits from the securely attached person's nonreactive, stable energy. At the same time, it's important for those with a secure attachment style to avoid taking the role of "rescuing" or "fixing" a partner who is not securely attached.
If your fearful avoidant ex regularly pulls away for a few days at a time, wait for them to reach out or respond. If it's more than 4 days since you heard from them, send a check-in text. A fearful avoidant leaning anxious will probably need more check-ins.
Do People With Fearful-Avoidant Styles Get Attached? People with this attachment style may experience negative emotions and a strong fear surrounding intimacy and closeness. This can make it difficult for them to become attached to a romantic partner, particularly if that person also has the same attachment style.
If you want to stay in the relationship, you should be aware that you may also have to endure some “testing behaviors.” The person with the fearful style may engage in some negative or challenging behaviors to see if you are going to reject or hurt them.
Communicate with fearful avoidant people the same way you (hopefully) do in all your relationships: Be clear, be direct, be honest, and follow through with what you say you'll do, advises Holland. It can be hard to communicate with someone with this attachment style because there's an underlying sense of anxiety.