People with the anxious attachment style often internalize what they perceive to be a lack of affection and intimacy as not being “worthy of love,” and they intensely fear rejection as a result. In an attempt to avoid abandonment, an anxious attacher may become clingy, hypervigilant, and jealous in a relationship.
Anxious attachment types are often nervous and stressed about their relationships. They need constant reassurance and affection from their partner. They have trouble being alone or single. They'll often succumb to unhealthy or abusive relationships.
A securely attached person might be the ideal match for someone with an anxious attachment style. They're able to understand their partner's needs and therefore can help to regulate their partner's emotions.
According to psychologists, people with avoidant attachment styles are individuals uncomfortable with intimacy and are therefore more likely to multiply sexual encounters and cheat.
It is possible for two anxiously attached people to have a good relationship as long as they are able to communicate their emotions.
Individuals high in anxious attachment are more likely to engage in emotional manipulation and other harmful behaviors intended to prevent a partner from leaving the relationship, which in turn is linked to reduced relationship satisfaction, according to new research published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences.
Encourage them to chase their own goals and interests.
Deep down, attachment anxiety comes from a lack of self-confidence. While you can't actually make your bae feel better about themselves, you can help them heal and support them in setting their own goals and encourage them to follow their dreams.
Talking it out can help with calming your nervous system, identifying your triggers, and better understanding yourself and your relational needs. It's also important that you don't blame your attachment style for what is really someone else's negligence or incompatibility.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you likely expect your partner to "complete" you. Your desire to feel secure can overwhelm your partner, and consequently, they may pull away.
The anxious attacher may feel like ending the relationship was unwarranted. Therefore, they may try to figure out ways to get back together with their partner and restore the attachment bond. However, doing so often leads to cycles of making up and breaking up.
Anxious attachment style is rooted in abandonment fears and care-related inconsistencies growing up. It's often developed when children are dependent on unreliable caregivers. They repeatedly learn that their caregivers may or may not come through when needed.
People with anxious attachment style need constant validation, Wegner says, so distance—even if it's perceived—can be triggering. "This can come in the form of a partner going out with friends, connecting with others, or being unavailable because of work or family commitments," she says.
The anxiously attached person craves more connection and closeness and feels triggered by the avoidant person pulling away. Meanwhile the avoidant person feels triggered by the anxious person's desire for closeness because they themselves value their independence and freedom and fear being consumed.
As I pointed out earlier, previous studies on dating couples had showed that the anxiously attached were least likely to be unfaithful and the avoidantly attached the most. Among these married couples, however, the anxiously attached were the most likely to cheat on their partners.
Nevertheless, both avoidant and anxious attachment styles were found to be associated with higher levels of vulnerable narcissism.
Attachment style compatibility research finds that the two least compatible personality types are the anxious and avoidant. A person who is avoidant wants to avoid getting too attached to the other person. Around one in four people has an avoidant attachment style.
Someone with an anxious attachment style wants results right away, and they experience time in extremely slow detail. In contrast, an avoidant will quickly experience time during no contact rule because it's not enough time for them to feel nostalgia after a breakup.
"Disorganized attachment style is said to be the most difficult of the three insecure attachment styles to treat or change," Feuerman says. But it's important to know that your attachment style can shift over time — you can develop a secure attachment style by changing the way you act and think.
Anxious and avoidant relationships are considered unhealthy or insecure attachments. They can often lead to relationships that cause you great anxiety, distress, or emotional pain. Alternatively, you can also form attachments to objects. These attachment objects can play a role in how safe you feel.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is a pattern of behavior in relationships that is marked by both high anxiety and high avoidance, wherein a person both craves connection but also fears getting too close to anyone. Also known as disorganized attachment, it's the rarest of the four attachment styles.
Secure attachment is known as the healthiest of all attachment styles.
Much to their detriment, those with anxious attachment seek out the person who reinforces their insecurity in relationships. There is hope. Since attachment styles are a not absolute, one can heal their attachment wounds and grow to be more securely attached.
Most likely, if you are attracted to an emotionally unavailable partner, you have an anxious attachment style. If being attracted to unavailable people is a pattern for you, you will also benefit from working with an attachment therapist so that you can stop the cycle and have a healthy relationship in the future.