Warning: When you start confronting a gaslighter, they're likely going to escalate their behaviors to try to take control of the situation. If this happens, take a step back from the situation because withdrawing gives you more power.
To maintain control over their victims, a gaslighter will get defensive and find a way to manipulate you into believing you're at fault. For example, if you confront them about their inappropriate workplace behavior or jokes, they might turn it around on you by asking you why you're not resilient enough to take it.
The best way to outsmart a gaslighter is to disengage. You can show up to the discussion with a mountain of evidence, videos, recordings, and more, and a gaslighting person will still find a way to deflect, minimize, or deny. It is more worth it to walk away with your perception intact.
When you ignore them, their attention-seeking behaviors will only escalate. If they are more passive, they will try to change the subject. On the aggressive end, they will become verbally or physically abusive. One way or another- when you ignore a gaslighter- you can guarantee that they will gaslight you even more.
Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness. Others who gaslight might not be aware that they're doing it.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a person who is gaslighting you, avoid arguing with them and do your best to remain calm. Seek support from friends and family members who can validate your experience and help you sort through your feelings.
“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”
Since gaslighters lack self-awareness and empathy, they may not even realize they are being manipulative. Usually, difficult childhood circumstances and troubled past relationships play a role in shaping their behavior in the present.
Gaslighting can be a bad habit picked up from the relationships that that person grew up around. If the gaslighter is willing to be honest with themselves and do the hard work of changing how they interact it's possible to change this behavior.
At work, they may deliberately focus the conversation on your flaws. They may take credit for your ideas then accuse you of being jealous. They may talk you into buying a luxurious item, then criticize your spending habits. Gaslighters make you feel incompetent so they can take control of the finances or agenda.
A gaslighting leader who plays the victim rallies supporters into defending the gaslighter against a perceived enemy. This serves two purposes—to distract from the gaslighter's behavior and to keep the perceived enemy off-kilter by quickly switching from an aggressor to a victim.
Gaslighting is a behavior that people learn by watching others. A person who uses this tactic may have learned it is an effective way of obtaining what they want or controlling people. They may feel entitled to have things their way or that the wants and needs of others do not matter.
They lack empathy for others, and their gaslighting can cause danger to their victims both mentally and emotionally. Commonly, a gaslighter has a condition known as a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). They have admiration for themselves over others and will do whatever it takes to put themselves in control.
They do apologize—but those apologies are conditional.
He's simply manipulating you into feeling seen by acknowledging your feelings. Gaslighters will only apologize if they are trying to get something out of you.
Someone with narcissistic personality may become “addicted” to gaslighting, needing more control to keep up their self-esteem. Many gaslighters use the target's shame and confusion to isolate them. The person may withdraw from loved ones for fear they will side with the abuser.
First, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and abuse should never be tolerated in a relationship. However, life is not as simple as that: Gaslighters erode people's self-esteem and their ability to make decisions. This can mean that making the decision to leave seems almost impossible.
When you tell a gaslighter they're gaslighting, you're seeking a validation they will never give. They will not admit to the mental abuse. When you tell yourself someone is gaslighting, you give yourself permission to validate your own experience. The person doing it to you does not have to agree for it to be true.
Gaslighting is often associated with narcissistic personality disorder, so confronting them or hoping they will change may be as pointless because narcissists go to extreme lengths to preserve their ego and control over others. A gaslighter may use this confrontation to further punish you.
This is not to say that gaslighting is the fault of the target, at all — this is to say that a gaslighter will use (often positive) characteristics of their targets to their advantage. Gaslighters tend to target people who: Like to help others.
Typically, gaslighters do not want to break up. "In most cases, they want to stay in the relationship and keep it on their terms," says mental health counselor Rebecca Weiler.