It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it. So you go through the motions, literally saying the words, but not meaning it.
“I am sorry that you think I did something wrong.” “I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you're just too sensitive.” These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem.
The Takeaway Apology
'I'm sorry, but…' Whenever you hear an apology followed by the word 'but,' there it can never be taken seriously. The 'I'm sorry' prefix is simply a way for the narcissist to offer their real thoughts on a conflict, or possibly set up some form of condition for your both to move forward.
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
A phrase designed to elicit an apology from the other party, whereby the original apologizer can deflect full responsibility to that other person; usually said in a hostile or sarcastic tone and often followed by an explicit or implicit “…but this is really your fault”
The Empty Apology.
It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it.
Even if you don't agree that your action was wrong, this style of apology dismisses a person's feelings and makes them invalid. Type 1 - The Dismissive Apology - “Sorry", “I'm sorry”, backed up with turning away, doing something else, or walking away.
It is a form of words designed to make you look like the bad guy by suggesting that you have been ungracious and unbending, as well as having unrealistic expectations.
But apologies are too often used as a quick fix for our uneasiness. When we focus more on our own discomfort than on the distress of the other person, our apology is selfish, and selfish apologies are usually ineffective.
The defensive apology
This one takes a bit of finesse and sleight-of-hand to pull off and it may actually work in the moment; it usually includes more than a little blame-shifting too. Yes, the words “I'm sorry” are included in this one; it's the construction of the apology you have to pay attention to.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
Don't say things like “I really didn't mean it when I said…” or “I did x because Sally did y…”. It lessens the effectiveness of the apology by making you sound insincere. Shifting blame. Avoid saying things like “I'm sorry you were offended” or “I'm sorry the group felt like I was out of line”.
Partial apologies—apologies that don't admit responsibility for harm caused but only express regret, sympathy etc. This could also include passive comments without taking ownership e.g. 'hurtful things were said'.
A humble apology is one in which you admit wrongdoing—“I'm sorry I lost my temper”—showing that you're not above reflecting on your own flaws.
Understanding The Narcissist's Fake Apologies. Narcissists often use apologies to move you along from your emotions. They don't want you upset or angry at them. They want to maintain their usual homeostasis where they feel ogled and appreciated.
So how do we build a worthy apology? Experts like Aaron Lazare and Nick Smith, in their book On Apology, point to four essential parts of the apology, and we can remember them as the 4 R's: Recognition, Responsibility, Remorse, and Reparation.
A sincere apology should acknowledge the mistakes and try to show that you have learned from them. It can be as simple as saying, “I regret my decision” or “I apologize for my mistake”. It should not sound like an excuse or justify what you did wrong in any way.
Apologies have been defined as involving acceptance of responsibility for an offense and an acknowledgment of its wrongfulness. In contrast, pseudo-apologies index a stance lacking in remorse.
According to Schumann and Orehek, avoidant individuals were less likely to offer a comprehensive apology. Instead, they were defensive, prone to justify their behavior, blame the other person and make excuses. The authors' results for the anxiously attached individuals were less consistent.
Not all apologies are created equal.
You can't be sorry for the way someone else feels. You should express understanding of their feelings, and you should validate them-- but apologizing for them does neither. It's condescending and puts people on the defensive.