The Dangers Of Over-Apologizing Over-apologizing is a common symptom amongst individuals with low self-esteem, fear of conflict and a fear of what others think.
Over-apologizing can happen for a variety of reasons. Some of the most common reasons, according to Jocelyn Hamsher, a therapist in Arizona, include: false guilt (feeling responsible for something you are not responsible for) carried guilt (feeling guilt for someone else's behavior because they don't feel guilt)
While there are a lot of stereotypes to what living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) looks like, it can look different from person to person. Your symptoms may not be the same as others. And sometimes, constantly apologizing — even in situations where you're not at fault — may be one of them.
“Over-apologizing can stem from being too hard on ourselves or beating ourselves up for things,” Dr. Juliana Breines, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Rhode Island, explained. In addition to anxiety, another mental health disorder that can lead people to over-apologize is OCD.
Although it may seem like a harmless — even overly polite — habit, it comes with consequences. Mental health professionals say over-apologizing can lead to resentment towards others, shame around one's identity, and a constant struggle to stand up for oneself.
But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.
To be truly sorry means feeling regret or sorrow over an unfortunate situation and your role in it. But in unhealthy relationships, people often say, “I'm sorry” not to express genuine regret; instead, they use it to manipulate their significant other.
But over-apologizing — or excessively saying sorry when you don't need to — is a bad habit that can undermine your authority, and more importantly, it hurts your self-esteem.
If you say sorry after an accident, this could be interpreted as you admitting fault for the crash. This can be used as evidence in a personal injury case and prevent you from earning the compensation you deserve.
“I appreciate your apology.” This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had.
When abusers apologize with the goal of gaining ultimate control of their victim, gaslighting is often the method they use. By apologizing, they place doubt in their victims' minds. “They apologized to me, so they can't be as terrible as I remember them being.”
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.
Scrupulosity OCD, Responsibility OCD, Harm OCD, and many other themes of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can involve compulsive, excessive apologizing as a response to fears about what others think, being a bad person, hurting other people, being a burden, making a bad impression, or doing something wrong.
However, this habit of over-apologizing can be a sign of anxiety. Anxiety craves the approval of others, and hates the presence of tension, so apologizing for even the most minor things can be a sign of an anxious mind.
Apologizing for the pain and difficulty of the current situation, even if you didn't cause it, shows you place a higher value on the other person than you do on the need to be right. Lose the battle to win the war—You need to have a long-range perspective when it comes to relationships.
Often apologies can be seen as passive behavior, but not in the submissive sense, but rather in the non-aggressive sense. It can be behavior meant to soothe and calm you, even if you don't need calming or soothing, it can reflect his desire to not be perceived as a threat or unfriendly presence.
We need to teach the difference between empathy and apology! Empathy – sorry this happened – is appropriate 100% of the time post-event, whereas apology – sorry we made this mistake – is appropriate only after a review has proven a mistake.
The Empathetic Apology is a four-part process designed to help the offender take ownership of the offense, empathize with the offended, apologize for the offense, and then ask for forgiveness.
“I am sorry that you feel I am a bad person.” “I am sorry, but maybe you're just too sensitive.” These empty apologies put the onus on the person who was hurt as the problem. "I am sorry if something I said offended you.”
A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology, is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.
The Empty Apology.
It's what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can't muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it.
For example, instead of accepting responsibility and saying, “I'm sorry I offended you”, people blame-shift by saying something like: “I'm sorry it offended you.” (“My action offended you, not me.”) “I'm sorry you got offended.” (“You shouldn't have been offended.”)
But apologies are too often used as a quick fix for our uneasiness. When we focus more on our own discomfort than on the distress of the other person, our apology is selfish, and selfish apologies are usually ineffective.
Over-apologizing stems from a submissive state; when individuals use this tactic, they try to avoid confrontation or an escalating situation. This behavior may be especially prevalent in abuse victims who are no longer with their abuser but have not adequately healed from their past.