If you've been cheated on, it's likely that you also experienced some degree of what psychologists refer to as gaslighting. Gaslighting, in case you're wondering, is a form of psychological abuse that involves the presentation of false information followed by dogged insistence that the information is true.
It could be divided into four different types: outright lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating and coercion. Often the experience is a combination of these four types and not just limited to one of them.
When a narcissist is caught cheating and lying, they often make up a heap of more lies to convince you that they've been nothing but faithful. Even if you have evidence of cheating, they're likely to deny everything and even project their infidelity onto you.
What is gaslighting in a relationship? It's a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes the other partner doubt his or her perceptions, experiences, memories, or understanding of events that happened.
Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be “grateful” for their truth.
Narcissism and Cheating Occur Because the Narcissists Feel the Need to Devalue Their Partner. With narcissism and cheating, it isn't bad enough that the narcissist is seeking validation from someone else, but they'll also start devaluing their partner at the same time.
Projection is a hallmark sign of the narcissist. If they are cheating (which is more common among narcissists than others), they will accuse you of cheating. These accusations ramp up when you go out of town or engage in an activity without them. Also, time away means less attention for them.
Basically, the silent treatment is a passive-aggressive behavior by which an abuser communicates some sort of negative message to the intended victim that only the perpetrator and the victim recognize through nonverbal communication.
“A gaslighter will often make you beg for their forgiveness and apologize profusely for any 'wrong' you committed, even if it's something they did,” Stern says. Sometimes you may not even know what you're apologizing for, other than they're upset and it's your responsibility to calm them down.
Why gaslighting is so damaging. Gaslighting makes you doubt your own perception, your feelings, and your memory. It makes you doubt reality itself, and therefore your own sanity.
“Gaslighters have two signature moves,” she wrote. “They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.” They spread gossip, they take credit for other people's work, and they undercut others in furtherance of their own position.
A spouse may be unintentionally trying to control you, or they may just have unhealthy relationship patterns that result in gaslighting behaviors. Intentional or not, gaslighting is a destructive form of emotional abuse. It can have devastating long-term effects on one's self-esteem, relationships, and mental health.
Confront their lies to break down their defenses.
If you've tried to be kind and diplomatic but the narcissist still won't tell the truth, admit that you think they're lying. Just make one simple critique. As soon as you say you doubt the narcissist's account, they're more likely to melt down and become illogical.
By remaining friends with their exes, narcissists get to keep all of their former partners on a carousel of convenience: they can create a harem of people to use for sex, money, praise, attention or whatever else they desire, at any time.
They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively.
At the end of a relationship, narcissists may become combative, passive-aggressive, hostile, and even more controlling. People with NPD often fail to understand other people's needs and values. They are hyper focused on their egos, but do not account for how their actions affect others.
Though some people may not realize the damage their behavior is causing, if they aren't willing to hear your requests for change and attempt to make these changes, end the relationship before it goes any further. Remember that gaslighters have fragile egos, little self-esteem, and are inherently weak.
Don't even look their way. Just stare straight ahead in silence. If they continue their behavior, just walk away. This is one of the most frustrating situations for a gaslighter because it makes them feel powerless.
Ignoring a gaslighter could mean you pretend you did not hear what they said and do not engage or respond to them. This could result in an escalation of their attempts at gaslighting you or make them angry if they feel you have bruised their pride. Similarly, they might try to get your attention in other ways.