Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self-loathing and, a paralysing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood.
Irrational guilt is based on shoulds—rules that are not really our own. It is often about over-responsibility, underlying anxiety, or a little-kid belief that "I can only be happy if you're happy." Jake feels that in order to be a good father, he should spend every weekend at home with his kids.
Many people with BPD experience pervasive and chronic shame, regardless of their behavior. 2 This has lead researchers to believe that shame may distinguish BPD from other mental health disorders.
Guilt, Fishkin says, is associated with activity in the prefrontal cortex, the logical-thinking part of the brain. Guilt can also trigger activity in the limbic system. (That's why it can feel so anxiety-provoking.)
Shame has various root causes. Sometimes shame is instilled in early childhood by the harsh words or actions of parents or other authority figures, or from bullying by peers. Shame can stem from a person's own poor choices or harmful behavior.
Hence, shame has recently come to be identified in the trauma literature as part of a constellation of negative emotions (along with fear, horror, anger, guilt) that are common for trauma survivors in post-trauma states.
Narcissist's issues with shame is a major reason narcissists struggle to maintain friendships, experience true intimacy, and struggle with self-esteem. Narcissists fear and despise facing their shame so much so, that their way to survive is to project their own shame on to those around them.
People who live with shame often avoid relationships, vulnerability, and community. Research shows that shame leads people to hide and self-conceal. [i] People who feel ashamed hide from community and friendship. They avoid vulnerability and never share their true selves with the world.
We can prove that the square root of any prime number is irrational. So √2, √3, √5, √7, √11, √13, √17, √19 … are all irrational numbers.
Irrational behavior refers to actions or decisions that are not based on reason or sound judgment. It may be characterized by emotions or other psychological factors that influence decision-making, rather than logical or evidence-based thinking.
'Irrational' or 'recalcitrant' emotions are those emotions that are in tension with our evaluative judgements. For example, you fear flying despite judging it to be safe, you are angry at your colleague even though you know her remarks were inoffensive, and so on.
Two key areas of the brain are activated by shame: the prefrontal cortex and the posterior insula. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain associated with moral reasoning. This is where judgements about the self occur. The posterior insula is the part of the brain that engages visceral sensations in the body.
Shame may originate in childhood from witnessing domestic abuse, being bullied or rejected by peers, or childhood neglect or abuse. In a person's adult life, shame can manifest as feelings of emptiness or narcissistic adaptations.
The four poles of the Compass of Shame: Withdrawal (hiding), Attack Self (deference), Avoidance (look where I want you to look) and Attack Other (put down).
Be aware of the physical signs of shame
Slumped shoulders, lowering our head, looking down, avoiding eye contact, hesitant speech patterns – these are clues that we feel unworthy and want to avoid letting anyone else see into us.
Transient shame – this form of shame is very fleeting and often does not create significant problems. For example, when a person makes a mistake at work, they may feel ashamed for a while, but the feeling quickly passes. Vicarious shame – people can feel shame on behalf of another person, known as vicarious shame.
Childhood abuse, neglect, and other traumatic experiences can cause toxic shame and make us believe we're not good enough.
Shame is one of the more painful emotions because it arises when those most foundational of human needs, the need to feel safe and the need to belong, remain unmet. Because it is so painful, we are compelled to find ways to avoid it if possible, to manage it when we must, and, if necessary, to neutralise it.
When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response. The flight response triggers the feeling of needing to disappear, and children who have this response will try to become invisible.