Narcissistic shame is an intense pain related to social failure, failure to be a true human being. It is a sense of being an inferior human being, exposed to social judgment in the midst of severe disintegration of the self.
Common thoughts associated with shame include: “I am worthless.” “I am a failure.” “Why would anyone want to love a failure?” The shame for narcissists is carried deep within, and often impacts one's feeling of worth, that they cant bring themselves to share with anyone.
Always the narcissist's shame is linked to the trauma they have experienced as children. To understand it more fully, we need to go back to the narcissist's childhood and understand how their environment (i.e. family, school, etc.)
The narcissist tries to ignore it, talk it out of existence, or belittle its importance. If this crude mechanism of cognitive dissonance fails, the narcissist resorts to denial and repression of the humiliating material. He "forgets" all about it, gets it out of his mind and, when reminded of it, denies it.
What is this? To make a narcissist feel guilty about their actions or mistakes, they need to know that there are consequences. Let the narcissist know that you won't tolerate their actions and that you're willing to walk away from the relationship if it continues.
When a narcissist gets humiliated they experience a narcissistic injury. This triggers their suppressed painful emotions and compromises their emotional stability. To stabilize themselves, narcissists could use narcissistic rage, self-victimization, and/or discarding to regain control of their painful emotions.
Being Humiliated
Feeling embarrassed or humiliated is painful for anyone, but narcissists are especially reactive to those emotions. To avoid such feelings, narcissists may preemptively humiliate people around them to gain the upper hand.
Narcissistic individuals, in particular the grandiose subtype, are negatively associated with guilt and shame (Czarna, 2014; Wright, O'Leary, & Balkin, 1989).
A monumental weakness in the narcissist is the failure to look internally and flesh out what needs to be worked on. Then, of course, the next step is to spend time improving. The narcissist sabotages any possibility of looking deep within.
It is common for people with a narcissistic personality disorder to regret discarding or losing someone, but it does not mean what you might think. If they feel regret, it is not because they hurt you. It is for losing something that they value. You are a possession, not a real person.
Blaming and Projecting
Narcissists are known for never taking responsibility for anything that they are doing wrong, and denying any wrongdoings or negative character traits. They always blame others for everything, even if its clearly their own fault.
According to Julie L. Hall, author of “The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free,” narcissists become more extreme versions of their worst selves as they age, which includes becoming more desperate, deluded, paranoid, angry, abusive, and isolated.
Grooming a person, manipulating her into doubting her feelings, generating shame regarding her best qualities, and manipulatively creating dependency are four ways a narcissist destroys a person from the inside out.
They have contempt for responsibility, which they avoid and deflect onto others. They have contempt for trust, which they betray and violate. They have contempt for love, which they do not feel but use as a weapon against others who do. They have contempt for authenticity, which threatens their false facade.
Narcissism and its Origins
Narcissism tends to emerge as a psychological defence in response to excessive levels of parental criticism, abuse or neglect in early life. Narcissistic personalities tend to be formed by emotional injury as a result of overwhelming shame, loss or deprivation during childhood.
Certain types of trauma have been associated with greater feelings of shame, including sexual violence, childhood abuse or neglect, and intimate partner violence. These are types of ongoing trauma that do not fully heal and leave people with a persistent sense of powerlessness.
Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to: Environment — parent-child relationships with either too much adoration or too much criticism that don't match the child's actual experiences and achievements. Genetics — inherited characteristics, such as certain personality traits.
This true self is the feeling self, but for the narcissist the feeling self must be hidden and denied. Since the superficial self represents submission and conformity, the inner or true self is rebellious and angry.
When a narcissist is injured, they project all the internalized negative feelings of themselves onto others. The defense mechanisms they use to deal with negative emotions actually help them stay away from the reality of their own trauma and deep seeded shame.
Narcissistic Vulnerability
Despite having seemingly strong personalities, narcissists are actually very vulnerable. Psychotherapists consider them to be “fragile.” They suffer from profound alienation, emptiness, powerlessness, and lack of meaning.
The narcissist is incredibly sad and melancholic. They are hostage to their inflated egos and their false selves. They hurt everyone who genuinely cares for them and isn't able to control their behaviour. A narcissist's very existence depends upon their false self.