As voiced by many on TikTok, the syndrome can impair eldest daughters' wellbeing and “steal” their childhood as they are rushed into assuming a disproportionate amount of adult responsibilities – also known as parentification.
Many eldest daughters are subjected to a form of parentification, which Healthline defines as a type of dysfunction wherein kids take on traditional parenting roles in the household: “Instead of giving to their child, the parent takes from them. In this role reversal, the parent may delegate duties to the child.
LANCASTER: Have you heard of “eldest daughter syndrome”? It's the emotional burden eldest daughters tend to take on (and are encouraged to take on) in many families from a young age.
A parentified child has responsibilities placed on them that are inappropriate, considering their age and abilities. These responsibilities can include practical duties, such as paying bills, or emotional support, such as acting as a confidant.
While this is not a psychological condition or officially recognised label, the consensus seems to be that being an eldest daughter or oldest female sibling generally equates to picking up the mental load for the family (i.e; being on top of planning any events or outings and ensuring that the household runs smoothly), ...
“Firstborn children can be goal-oriented, outspoken, stubborn, independent, and perfectionistic,” Smelser says, and when you look at the way firstborns are nurtured, it starts to make sense why. “These traits are often reinforced by parents through their interactions with the child,” she says.
These traits of first-born children include a sense of entitlement, responsibility, and ambition. Many of the qualities of oldest child syndrome stem from taking care of younger siblings, which contribute to the development of a mature and effective leader.
It most often occurs when a child is expected to take on the role of a parent without the necessary support or resources to do so effectively. This type of trauma can lead to significant psychological distress and can be considered a form of emotional abuse.
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According to an old notion, first-born children are genetically predisposed to appear more like their father. It was thought that this was done so that the father would accept the child as his and provide for and care for them. Another argument is that this would prevent him from eating the baby.
You may have been parentified as a child if you: Assumed household duties such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, or paying the bills. Took care of the needs of younger siblings or relatives because your parents were unable to do so.
It's easy for ambitious firstborns to become perfectionists; after all, they see adults coloring inside the lines and pouring milk without spilling. Your firstborn wants everything just so, Dr. Leman says, and they want to get things right the first time.
However, there is a second type of trauma that is very real and pervasive, yet not captured by the traditional diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The term Complex PTSD describes chronic childhood trauma, such as emotional neglect or parentification, that is invisible in nature.
Paradoxically, being parentified by their parent does not reduce their parent's coercive powers even though it is the child meeting the needs of the parent. Ethical considerations involving a power differential: Parentification is about exploiting children. It is done by adults for adults.
There are two main types of parentification; emotional parentification and instrumental parentification.
Often parentified children are the oldest or middle in the birth order. Children of all genders can become parentified. Children as young as two or three may start to take on parenting responsibilities by comforting or feeding their younger siblings.
Setting healthy boundaries with toxic parents can help you heal from emotional parentification. You might have never learned how to set boundaries with others. You might even feel guilty or selfish when setting boundaries. Keep in mind that this might feel uncomfortable at first; however, setting boundaries is a skill.
Parentification can occur when one or both parents have mental health issues and it seems to be common in narcissistic families where the family is structured around getting the needs of parents met, rather than providing a healthy environment where children are nurtured.
In contrast to parentification which happens within the home, adultification happens outside the home. It comes from the attitudes of people, organisations and services who surround the child. However, it is possible that a child's circumstances may cause them to experience both adultification and parentification.
Eldest daughter syndrome is the burden felt by oldest daughters because they're given too many adult responsibilities in their family before they're ready. Eldest daughter syndrome can make women feel overburdened, stressed out, and constantly responsible for others.
Being the eldest also puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the child. As discussed, being dethroned from being the only child to having a younger sibling, they feel at constant pressure to prove themselves. They want to excel in every field, and have the tendency to go above and beyond to please their parents.
“Parents are definitely harder on their firstborn children,” says Dr. Fran Walfish, Psy. D., a child-and-family psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent. “In a way, the firstborn child is a guinea pig — practiced on.