What is gaslighting in a relationship? It's a form of psychological manipulation in which one person makes the other partner doubt his or her perceptions, experiences, memories, or understanding of events that happened.
Examples of Gaslighting in Relationships
If someone says, "You know I only do it because I love you," or, "Believe me, this is for the best," when doing something you perceive as abusive, controlling, or wrong, they are probably gaslighting you.
It could be divided into four different types: outright lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating and coercion. Often the experience is a combination of these four types and not just limited to one of them.
Gaslighting occurs in intimate relationships when a partner repeatedly undermines and distorts their partner's reality by denying facts, the situation around them, or their partner's feelings and needs. It can cause a survivor to question themselves and become unable to trust their own perceptions and judgements.
Gaslighting in a relationship is an abusive and manipulative tactic where a person (spouse, co-worker, friend, etc.) attempts to place blame on one person for conflict in the relationship with little to no acknowledgement of their own responsibility.
Red Flag 1: You're doubting your own truth. Red Flag 2: You're questioning yourself excessively. Red Flag 3: You're feeling confused. Red Flag 4: You're frequently thinking you must be perceiving things incorrectly.
Gaslighting does not always happen in a malicious way. In fact, many times gaslighting happens when the gaslighter doesn't realize that they're doing anything strategic or manipulative. The person who is gaslighting may just lack self-awareness and feel as though they're just expressing themselves directly.
The gaslighter enjoys emotionally, physically, and financially controlling their victims. The relationship may start well the manipulative person may praise his or her victim and establishes trust quickly by confiding in their victim immediately.
You are guilty of downplaying others' emotions.
When a person is hurt by something you've said or done, your usual response is that they're overreacting and to stop making things up. This may make a person believe their emotions are not valid or excessive. If this sounds like you, you are definitely gaslighting.
If we stick to the clinical definition, gaslighters have two signature moves: They lie with the intent of creating a false reality, and they cut off their victims socially.
Shifting blame is a common gaslighting tactic. Accusing the victim of being the gaslighter causes confusion, makes them question the situation, and draws attention away from the true gaslighter's harmful behavior, Sarkis says.
The silent treatment is strikingly similar to gaslighting, as both flourish in power and control. In fact, some therapists call the silent treatment a form of gaslighting, used to cause personal uncertainty, and a sense of doubt when considering goals, self-views and worldviews.
A gaslight apology is an apology given that often appears sincere but the person is actually not taking any responsibility for what they have caused.
Someone who breadcrumbs wants to flirt and spend time with someone else, but struggles with commitment. They don't necessarily know how to do the work required to maintain a healthy relationship. Gaslighting is an intentional attempt to distort someone's perception of an event or situation.
“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”
Some gaslighters are aware of their behavior, and they may even work to improve their gaslighting skills. They might enjoy the sense of superiority they feel from making others doubt their sanity and correctness. Others who gaslight might not be aware that they're doing it.
Often described as mild gaslighting, unintentional gaslighting differs from its malicious counterpart classic gaslighting due to a lack of a malevolent intent to unsettle the other person's mind. Unintentional gaslighters are often ordinary individuals who are unaware that they have just gaslighted someone.
Unconscious gaslighting is not done with the intention to harm others using gaslighting, as a sociopath does, but instead as an unconscious strategy driven by underlying motives.
Gaslighting can be tough to respond to because of the power that the perpetrator holds over the victim. Often, the best response to gaslighting is to plainly state your needs and boundaries. Sometimes, the safest response to gaslighting can be to leave the situation entirely.
Ignoring a gaslighter could mean you pretend you did not hear what they said and do not engage or respond to them. This could result in an escalation of their attempts at gaslighting you or make them angry if they feel you have bruised their pride. Similarly, they might try to get your attention in other ways.