Narcissistic abuse follows a specific cycle of idealization, devaluation, and rejection. Narcissists tend to deflect all of their feelings onto others because of the pain they feel about their own emotions.
Narcissistic mothers often use shame, gaslighting, dismissal and manipulation in order to get their own needs met, which can leave their daughters feeling like their mother's behaviors were their fault.
Narcissistic mothers flatter people they want to impress by giving them an inordinate amount of compliments, flattery, attention, money, gifts or time — while leaving their preferred abuse target feeling left out, estranged, alienated, disrespected, unloved, unwanted, and comprehensively feeling unappreciated; the game ...
During the discard phase, the narcissist may drop the façade of being a charming, loving, and caring person. They might become increasingly aggressive towards you, showing their true vindictive and hostile colors. You might blame yourself and try everything you can to make things go back to how they used to be.
Narcissistic relationships can last anywhere from a few days or weeks to many years. There are anecdotal observations suggesting that the average length of a narcissistic relationship is around six months, but no empirical evidence supports this claim.
A narcissistic mother is unable to give their child the full attention and validation they need to feel loved and emotionally secure. This may impact the child's beliefs, behaviors, and self-esteem well into adulthood.
The Secretly Mean: The secretly mean mother does not want others to know that she is abusive to her children. She will have a public self and a private self, which are quite different. These mothers can be kind and loving in public but are abusive and cruel at home.
The scapegoat is someone who must embody what the narcissistic parent cannot stand in themselves. By “finding” what they hate in themselves to be in the scapegoat child, the parent feels protected; this is the role of the scapegoat child.
They need constant attention and praise
In the eyes of the outside world, some narcissistic mothers are great mothers. They brag and boast about what they do for their children and how much sacrifice they make. “I sacrificed so much for my kids.” “Helping my children achieve these things was a lot of work.”
Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent tend to suffer from at least some of the following as children and as adults: anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-blame, indecision, people-pleasing tendencies, difficulties with emotional intimacy, and codependent relationships.
Your parent's mood swings, emotional neglect and violent outbursts have likely left an indelible mark on your nervous system, making it difficult for you to regulate your own emotions. The cruelty and abuse of the narcissistic parent are nothing short of traumatic.
According to Dr. Malkin, there are three basic types of narcissistic parents — classic (extroverted), covert (introverted) and communal. It's important to understand these different types so you can better understand (and heal) from your experience growing up.
“Own it as something you need, make your point without blame or accusation, and then just stick to it with solid boundaries,” she said. “But it's important to work on yourself during this time, so you are making the best decision possible for yourself and your mental health moving forward.”
They'll likely lash out in anger.
In response, they'll often fly into a narcissistic rage. It's totally unfair to you that they're acting this way, so try not to take it personally. Protect yourself by keeping your distance from this person. They might yell or call you names.
Narcissists aren't always cruel. They can very often be kind, but this kindness almost always comes with conditions. The child will often come to understand that their parent's kindness leads them to feeling beholden to their parent.
Narcissists may use the silent treatment to communicate they are unhappy with you, to control you, or as a form of punishment. If the narcissist uses the silent treatment to deflect responsibility for something they have done wrong, it can also be a form of narcissistic gaslighting.
She treats her children as extensions of her.
The narcissistic mother micromanages and exerts an excessive level of control over the way her children act and look to the public. Her children are objects and must be pristine and polished in every way, lest their reputation or appearance taint her own.
They Use Guilt Trips to Get What They Want
Guilt-tripping is an emotional manipulation technique narcissists use to inflate their ego and feel superior. This behavior also allows them to maintain constant power and control. Narcissistic parents may guilt-trip children into giving in to demands or meeting expectations.
But that was before you learned about narcissism, right? So, in a nutshell, your narcissistic mother hates you because she perceives you as a threat to her own self-importance. She feels threatened by your success, your intelligence, and your very existence!
The four stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle are: Idealization, Devaluation, Repetition, and Discard. In this cycle, a narcissistic partner may love-bomb you, devalue your sense of self over time, repeat the pattern, and eventually, discard you and/or the relationship.
Change in narcissism between age 34 and age 59 was shown to predict change in personality at age 71. The agentic personality characteristics that had been associated with Willfulness narcissism at age 34 were no longer characteristic of those individuals at age 71.
Therefore the narcissist seems to move on so fast because their emotions are not as deep as ours but also, they don't form memories in the same way the rest of us do. For most of us it's the memories which keep us attached to someone and unable to move on.