Healthy shame guides toward self-correction, making amends, and growth. Toxic shame, on the other hand, can be very harmful psychologically. It's deeply absorbed in the nervous system (meaning, you feel it in your gut). Toxic shame is self-punishing and lingers on.
Shame can last a few hours or even a few days. Toxic shame, though, comes from constantly being told you're not enough. It results in negative self-talk that stays with you. They reassured you that it was all right and cleaned up without making a fuss.
Toxic shame is a debilitating feeling of worthlessness and self-loathing, according to Taylor Draughn, licensed professional counselor in Louisiana. “People who feel toxic shame often feel like they're not good enough and are ashamed of themselves.
There are 2 main categories of shame, relational shame and biological shame. Both types inhibit pain and physical sensation and enhance feelings of separateness. Embarrassment – a type of relational shame that arises with a fear of judgment or rejection. Belonging to the tribe used to be an important survival instinct.
Transient shame – this form of shame is very fleeting and often does not create significant problems. For example, when a person makes a mistake at work, they may feel ashamed for a while, but the feeling quickly passes. Vicarious shame – people can feel shame on behalf of another person, known as vicarious shame.
Shame has a central social component, and involves fears of being judged, criticized or rejected by others rather than just judging oneself. The origins of shame can almost always be tied back to past experiences of feeling judged, criticized, or rejected by someone else.
Shame-based behaviors seek to quell overwhelming and complex feelings of humiliation and grief through escapism. Avoidance, self-harm, addiction, and compulsions are all shame-based behaviors that seek to mask the painful feeling.
Hence, shame has recently come to be identified in the trauma literature as part of a constellation of negative emotions (along with fear, horror, anger, guilt) that are common for trauma survivors in post-trauma states.
Toxic shame, also referred to as unhealthy shame, can feel like a reflection of your core identity.
Empathy is the antidote to shame.
Narcissistic shame is an intense pain related to social failure, failure to be a true human being. It is a sense of being an inferior human being, exposed to social judgment in the midst of severe disintegration of the self. When experienced fully, the affect is very painful.
Two key areas of the brain are activated by shame: the prefrontal cortex and the posterior insula. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain associated with moral reasoning. This is where judgements about the self occur. The posterior insula is the part of the brain that engages visceral sensations in the body.
Shame is one of the more painful emotions because it arises when those most foundational of human needs, the need to feel safe and the need to belong, remain unmet. Because it is so painful, we are compelled to find ways to avoid it if possible, to manage it when we must, and, if necessary, to neutralise it.
The four poles of the Compass of Shame: Withdrawal (hiding), Attack Self (deference), Avoidance (look where I want you to look) and Attack Other (put down).
Shame may originate in childhood from witnessing domestic abuse, being bullied or rejected by peers, or childhood neglect or abuse. In a person's adult life, shame can manifest as feelings of emptiness or narcissistic adaptations.
When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response. The flight response triggers the feeling of needing to disappear, and children who have this response will try to become invisible.
Shame can be a contributing factor to depression, anxiety, and co-dependency. [iii] People who are constantly ashamed may have emotional difficulties and may fight a mental battle each and every day.
"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive," says Dr. Brene Brown.
Be aware of the physical signs of shame
Slumped shoulders, lowering our head, looking down, avoiding eye contact, hesitant speech patterns – these are clues that we feel unworthy and want to avoid letting anyone else see into us.
In addition to the typical emotions that can accompany shame, such as envy, anger, rage, and anxiety, we can also include sadness, depression, depletion, loneliness, and emptiness as a result.
When we experience a traumatic event, shame and guilt are common survival skills we rely on. Like the flight, fight, freeze and appease response, these coping skills that are often meant for our survival, can leave us paralyzed.