Over-apologizing is a common symptom amongst individuals with low self-esteem, fear of conflict and a fear of what others think. This goes hand in hand with poor boundaries, perhaps accepting blame for things we didn't do or couldn't control.
Over-apologizing can happen for a variety of reasons. Some of the most common reasons, according to Jocelyn Hamsher, a therapist in Arizona, include: false guilt (feeling responsible for something you are not responsible for) carried guilt (feeling guilt for someone else's behavior because they don't feel guilt)
So, the person who is most likely to apologize is willing to be friendly, focused on the bigger picture, honest, and humble. Although the results aren't totally surprising, they are enlightening. And, they may offer some insight into why you might never get that apology from a certain someone.
The truth is, an apology is a show of strength. It's an act of true honesty, being that we admit we did something wrong. It's an act of generosity, because it restores the self-concept of those we offended. It offers hope for a renewed relationship and strengthens our connection with the people we hurt.
But repetitive, nearly constant apologies for every little thing—or, what Psychologist Paige Carambio, PsyD calls, “apologizing for existing”—can actually be an after-effect of trauma, a self-preservation technique survivors may think they still need to utilize in order to protect themselves.
“I'm sorry,” is just a string of words. No matter how close you are with someone or good you think that person is, an apology without change is manipulation. That doesn't have to mean that you should remove that person from your life, though, nor does it mean that your relationship is unsalvageable.
While there are a lot of stereotypes to what living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) looks like, it can look different from person to person. Your symptoms may not be the same as others. And sometimes, constantly apologizing — even in situations where you're not at fault — may be one of them.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
Saying “I'm sorry” actually shows strength, not weakness. A person who can apologize—and truly mean it—is self-aware. They've taken the time to really think about their actions and reflect on the conflict from all perspectives.
We need to teach the difference between empathy and apology! Empathy – sorry this happened – is appropriate 100% of the time post-event, whereas apology – sorry we made this mistake – is appropriate only after a review has proven a mistake.
Someone who's apologetic is regretful or contrite, and usually openly expresses this feeling in some way.
Sorry is oh-so-meaningful when it is real, and yes, it's sexy. Confident people apologize. They have nothing to prove, so “I'm sorry” is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. This is not hard for a confident person who cares about you to understand: “Even though I screwed up, I know I'm not a screw-up.
You've probably heard that women apologize more often than men. Well, studies show this is in fact true. On average, women say they're sorry more times in their lives than men do.
“I appreciate your apology.” This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had.
However, this habit of over-apologizing can be a sign of anxiety. Anxiety craves the approval of others, and hates the presence of tension, so apologizing for even the most minor things can be a sign of an anxious mind.
Scrupulosity OCD, Responsibility OCD, Harm OCD, and many other themes of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) can involve compulsive, excessive apologizing as a response to fears about what others think, being a bad person, hurting other people, being a burden, making a bad impression, or doing something wrong.
Passive-aggressive apologies are also insincere and intended to make the recipient feel badly. An example of this is emphatically repeating, “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!” Coerced apologies or those that fulfill someone's expectations are not sincere. Transactional - “I apologized now, so it's your turn.”
Takeaway. Apologizing is a sign of maturity and growth. It can be challenging to apologize when you have done something wrong. Your apology doesn't have to be perfect, but it should make the person you apologize to feel like they are being heard and acknowledged.
Narcissists don't like to apologize because they believe that it will make them look weak or vulnerable. This is why they often come up with excuses to avoid doing so, such as saying: “I didn't mean to do that, it just happened!” Or even worse: “It wasn't my fault! You should have been watching where you were going!”
The psychopath is aware their behavior hurt the other person—they simply don't care. In fact, you will almost never receive an apology from a psychopath, and if you do, it is only because they want something from you, or to save face in front of others.
Apologize. If you've heard someone say, “Narcissists never apologize,” they're not exactly right. While many traits of narcissism like entitlement, elitism, and arrogance make it unlikely someone with narcissistic traits will go the apology route, apologies are sometimes used with ulterior motives.
If you're still hurt, mad, or upset
If you're still hurt or upset by someone's actions, be open about this. Let them say their apology and acknowledge their effort, but be clear that you aren't fully ready to move forward yet. Commit to revisiting it later after letting your emotions settle.
Often apologies can be seen as passive behavior, but not in the submissive sense, but rather in the non-aggressive sense. It can be behavior meant to soothe and calm you, even if you don't need calming or soothing, it can reflect his desire to not be perceived as a threat or unfriendly presence.
It may be a reflection of low self-esteem, a diminished sense of entitlement, an unconscious wish to avoid any possibility of criticism or disapproval before it even occurs, an excessive wish to placate and please, some underlying river of shame, or a desire to show off what a well-mannered Brownie Scout one is.