Offering an apology implies that they've harmed another person in some way, which can elicit feelings of shame. People who cannot apologize often have such deep feelings of low self-worth that their fragile egos cannot absorb the blow of admitting they were wrong.
We know that narcissists don't apologize. This can lead to something even more complex and contradictory. It might not seem like it, but narcissists struggle as well. They suffer a lot because they always feel frustrated and bitter.
By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening.
Gaslighting is psychological abuse through verbal, written, and/or physical actions that cause the recipient to question their reality. A non-apology is used to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement by placing blame back on the individual.
Narcissists are constantly in self-protection mode. Another reason narcissists refuse to apologize is because to apologize requires empathy. Empathy is the capacity to place yourself into someone else's position and to understand what someone else is feeling.
The best way to do this is to accept their behavior — annoying as it is — and realize they're simply psychologically incapable of apologizing. What's more, they're not going to change. Practicing acceptance can help you disengage from arguments with them and help you limit your feelings of frustration, anger and hurt.
There are many reasons someone might not apologize when they've done something you perceive as wrong. The person may not see the situation the same way as you. Other times, they may not want to accept responsibility for their actions.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
Chronic lying and deception is one of the most common types of passive-aggressive gaslighting, whereby the gaslighter creates a false narrative about or against the gaslightee that has little proof or validity.
"It's always OK not to accept an apology, but I think [it's] what an individual needs that determines when and if it's appropriate to accept it. Many people see accepting an apology as a way of saying that what the person did is acceptable, but I don't take it to mean that.
Apologies are another tool in the narcissist's box of manipulation. If you look closely, you'll see the narcissist use apologies the same way they use everything else, as a way to control people. The most important thing for a narcissist is how they appear to others, and apologizing makes them look compassionate.
Some conditions may play a role in a lack of empathy such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), antisocial personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder (BPD).
Because people with a Type D personality tend to hide their negative emotions, they may not necessarily feel or act depressed or anxious.
Ridiculing you. Those who live with narcissism may find it difficult to hold positive and negative feelings for someone at the same time. As a result, things may get heated in an argument. You may experience insults, put-downs, and even mocking behaviors, like laughing as you express hurt.
Gaslighting is the use of a patterned, repetitive set of manipulation tactics that makes someone question reality. It's often used by people with narcissistic personality disorder, abusive individuals, cult leaders, criminals, and dictators.
People with personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, may use gaslighting as a way to control spouses, children, co-workers, or any other relationship where the person with a character disorder feels vulnerable.
Signs of Narcissist Gaslighting
They may try to make you feel like you're overreacting or being too sensitive by saying things like, “You're being paranoid,” or “You're imagining things.” They might also try to control what you do and who you see by trying to isolate you from your friends and family.
"You're a bad person." "Nobody else will ever love you." "I'm the best you'll ever have." "Have fun being alone for the rest of your life."
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
“Usually people aren't sorry, they just don't want to go and apologizing is a passive way to avoid telling them that.” It's fine to say no to invitations without offering an apology or explanation; if it is someone you'd like to see at a different time, then tell them that and make plans to meet up in the future.
When your spouse refuses to apologize, a big reason could be because they found themselves feeling very defensive. There is a chance that there may have been situations where their mistakes were pointed out by you before they could have the opportunity to process and realize it themselves.
To keep their victims nearby, then, they'll make apologies left and right without taking any real actions to improve themselves or make amends. These are not real apologies—they are manipulation tactics. Any counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist in the world will attest that an apology without change is manipulation.