The tendency to please is related to Dependent Personality Disorder. While the people-pleaser may not need others to do things for them, they do have a need for others, regardless. The pleasing personality is also related to the Masochistic Personality type, which also corresponds with Dependent Personality.
People-pleasers strive to keep the peace and avoid conflict at all costs, often at their own expense. Fairly empathic, people-pleasers frequently place other people's needs first and are sometimes exploited due to this tendency.
However, excessive people pleasing has the potential for numerous negative consequences. They may experience fear of rejection and disappointing others, have low self-esteem, difficulty making independent decisions, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
Being a people-pleaser is an extremely stressful and frequently painful way to live. Because no matter how much they give to others they don't ever get what they are truly seeking. The real solution comes from within. As a result, people-pleasers frequently suffer from depression, stress and anxiety.
When left untreated, people-pleasing can become a toxic pattern that affects personal and professional relationships during adulthood. Untreated trauma can also lead to serious mental health consequences, including an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
INFP: People-pleasing
The biggest turn-off for INFPs is people-pleasing. INFPs are independent and individualistic in their beliefs and values. They want people to be authentic and true to themselves, even if they risk offending others.
It is a natural human instinct to want to please others and to present oneself at one's best. It is, in fact, a very positive quality to consider others' feelings and be emotionally intelligent.
A people pleaser is typically someone everyone considers helpful and kind. When you need help with a project or someone to help you study for an exam, they're more than willing to step up. If you recognize yourself in the above description, you may be a people pleaser.
People Pleasers spend so much time and effort in taking care of others. Unfortunately, they often do not establish good social support for themselves. They also find it hard to give up control and let other people take care of them. While taking care of others in noble and rewarding, it can also be toxic and unhealthy.
Nicole LePera, a psychologist and a social media influencer, people-pleasing is a result of childhood emotional neglect. Taking to Instagram, she explains, "When children are emotionally neglected, they unconsciously abandon their sense of self in order to maintain their relationship with the parent figure."
ADHD and Emotions
They can hyper-focus on strong feelings. However, when you combine strong emotions with feelings of being disempowered throughout life, the mind can hyperfocus on the fears of letting others down (enter people pleasing).
People Pleasing as a Form of Control
People pleasing is tricky because you think you're being a giver, but really it's a form of manipulation. Yep, manipulation because you're trying to get something in return. You're attached to (and trying to control) the outcome.
While people pleasing or “being too nice” could be seen as a sign of someone who is a really good person and cares for others, their ability to bend backwards for other people, not say no and struggle to have boundaries with others can actually be a big red flag and cause issues in a relationship in the long term if ...
Narcissists disregard your rights and only want to obtain certain benefits from you. People-pleasers put aside their own needs and aspire solely to satisfy you and give you what you want at all times. In fact, narcissists and people-pleasers hide a curious relationship.
People-pleasing usually comes from a place of insecurity and those who behave this way often feel that if they do, others will value them and accept them.
They feel loved and valued. Pleasers like the “take charge” type because they feel secure with someone who appears to be strong and confident. Controllers are attracted to pleasers for similar reasons. Pleasers appear to offer kindness, acceptance, and support.
People-pleasers tend to be good at tuning in to what others are feeling. They are also generally empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. These positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, a need to take control, or a tendency to overachieve.
People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others' needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise.
People-pleasing is putting your needs last and not acting in a way that is true to you in order to try to make others happy or avoid rejection. People-pleasing puts you at risk for depression, anxiety, burnout and anger.
People suffering from BPD often believe themselves to be bad, evil, or completely without identity at all. Thus, they try to alleviate this with “people pleasing” behavior in their social circles. In some cases, they literally feel as if they do not exist at all.
Whatever the specific cause of their behavior, people pleasers tend to have similar characteristics, which include: Fear of abandonment or rejection. Preoccupation with what others might be thinking or feeling.
People Pleasing Disease can be genetic. If the family or the environment's culture you find yourself in is to please others, to be in the service of others, to self sacrifice etc., chances are that these values will be passed on from generations to generations.
Just start putting up boundaries that will allow you to first take care of your needs before turning focus to others. This isn't a selfish view point. Actually, being a people-pleaser is selfish because you're doing what's easiest and cheating people from receiving your valuable, true thoughts and reactions.
Understand Each Other's Needs
Getting your needs met with an outside people pleaser requires compromise. And since the people pleaser has many highly desirable qualities; it's important to keep them happy, too. Make sure there's a balance of personal-time, family-time, and couple-time built into your weekly schedules.