Wakes and funerals are generally sombre affairs. While chatting with the bereaved family or other attendees is acceptable, there shouldn't be loud laughter or chatter, as this could be seen as disrespectful to the family. In Buddhist belief, death is taken with a calm acceptance rather than loud or devastated mourning.
Guests at a Chinese funeral wear somber colors like black. Bright and colorful clothing, especially red, must be avoided as these colors are associated with happiness. White is acceptable and, if the deceased was 80 or above, white with pink or red is acceptable as the event is cause for celebration.
A parent may not perform funeral planning for their child, so an unmarried person is taken to a funeral home upon death. Chinese rules also say that an older person must not show formal respect to a younger person. A child is therefore buried in silence and no funeral ceremonies are performed.
A common Chinese superstition dictates that spirits hanging around gravesites often attempt to follow the living home after a funeral procession. The family of the deceased may present you with a red thread following the funeral. You are supposed to take the thread home and tie it to your doorknob.
Funeral guests are required to light incense for the deceased and bow as a sign of respect to the family. There will also be a donation box since money is always offered as a sign of respect to the family of the deceased. This money will also help the family defray the costs of the funeral.
For Funeral Visitors
Representatives of the bereaved family will stand by the altar and bow to you as a token of gratitude for your attendance. You may politely decline for religious or other reasons and choose to observe a moment of silence and bow as a general sign of respect.
Do not touch, hug, lock arms, back slap or make any body contact. Clicking fingers or whistling is considered very rude. Never put your feet on a desk or a chair. Never gesture or pass an object with your feet.
Typical condolences messages like 'I'm sorry for your loss', and 'My thoughts are with you during this time' are quite safe. In Chinese, you can say something like 'jie ai shun bian'. Apart from the actual condolence wishes, you might find yourself having the opportunity to chat with the deceased family members.
Chinese funeral guests can be expected to give the grieving family money, 奠儀 (diàn yí), at the funeral or one day prior. The traditional gift is an odd dollar amount, starting at $101, in a white envelope. It may be handed to a family member or put into a donation box.
Chinese funeral customs
The most popular choices are lilies and chrysanthemums, particularly in white, as these are traditionally associated with death and grief. Sending white roses would also be considered appropriate.
Much like the wake, family members will bring fruit, incense, and money to the funeral service. The Chinese funeral flower is the iris and it's common for relatives to bring wreaths made of white irises and it's customary for the deceased's employer to bring a wreath wrapped in Irises and money.
In Chinese culture and most Asian cultures, color symbolism is very significant, which applies to sympathy or funeral flowers as well. Since the color white is associated with death and grief, white flowers like lilies and chrysanthemums are always appreciated. Yellow chrysanthemums are also considered suitable.
Don't tell friends or family members who are grieving that their loved one has gone to a better place. Never call the death a blessing or speculate that it was that person's time. Avoid saying anything that suggests that the loss of the loved one is a positive thing.
Dress code and colors.
Traditionally, Asian families wear white at the funeral and opt not to wear any jewelry. Red is considered the color of happiness, so the family does not wear any red clothing or accessories.
Muted colours like white, black, dark green, dark blue, or grey are appropriate colours of clothing attire in a Chinese funeral.
Within 100 days of their passing: Avoid wearing bright coloured clothing and refrain from attending weddings, celebratory events or funeral wakes of friends or acquaintances.
Loved ones will take turns to sit with the body at the family home, temple or funeral parlour, while mourners may bring offerings of things like incense or food. This can last up to seven days. During this period, it's traditional for mourners to offer money as a donation to the soul of the dead person.
节哀顺变 jié'āi shùnbiàn, may sound harsh when translated literally as "Please restrain your grief and gradually accept it," but it means the equivalent of "My condolences" or "I am sorry to your loss" in English.
Every culture has its own taboos, and it is important to remain aware of them when traveling or encountering another culture to ensure you don't commit a social faux-pas. In Chinese culture, some of the most common taboos involve gift-giving, birthdays, and weddings.
A simple, soft handshake, a smile, and a friendly 'hi' or 'ni hao' (or 'nin hao' to greet older Chinese people) will often suffice. When addressing Chinese people, address the eldest or most senior person first. Also, address the newly-met people with their honorific title and family name.
Making eye contact in China is a sure-fire way to make enemies, not friends. The Chinese people view eye contact as a necessary tool, but not in the same way that other cultures do. In China, people make eye contact when they are angry. It is meant to challenge the other person and is a sign of disrespect.
The most common minimum amount is $30. From there, you can increase the amount if you'd like, as long as the initial digits make up an odd number. This is because even numbers are considered auspicious in the Chinese culture – and funerals are anything but auspicious.
How much money should you offer? A family in need will appreciate any amount of money, so offer as much as you can afford. If you weren't very close to the deceased, you may offer the amount equivalent to a flower arrangement. At the end of the day, it's the gesture that counts the most.
Choose your outfit carefully
Some religions and traditions have set attire for the family members, but if you are just a visitor to the funeral, colours like black, white, or muted shades are acceptable. As red is a colour of celebration in the Chinese culture, it is highly offensive to wear red at a Chinese funeral.