Tanisha M. Ranger, a licensed psychologist, tells Romper in an email exchange. "They say, 'I'm sorry,' and we say, 'that's alright. ' When they're not sorry and/or it's not alright, it is perfectly okay to not accept an apology."
They may not be ready to accept an apology because they might need time to process the situation, the hurt, the solution. Another way that someone's emotions might get in the way of accepting an apology is that they don't care. Maybe you're no longer important to them.
It is 100 percent OK if you aren't ready to accept the other person's apology at the time they offer it. Even if they are sincere and ready to make amends, you may need more time. And if you aren't able to accept it now, say that clearly.
To keep their victims nearby, then, they'll make apologies left and right without taking any real actions to improve themselves or make amends. These are not real apologies—they are manipulation tactics. Any counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist in the world will attest that an apology without change is manipulation.
In narcissists' efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you're too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.
He remembered the three R's – regret, react, reassure.
Offering an apology implies that they've harmed another person in some way, which can elicit feelings of shame. People who cannot apologize often have such deep feelings of low self-worth that their fragile egos cannot absorb the blow of admitting they were wrong.
Jamie Schenk DeWitt, a psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles told Newsweek: "A gaslighting apology is a conditional apology that makes the person apologizing appear as if they are sincerely saying 'I am sorry,' but they aren't taking any responsibility for hurting you.
By refusing to apologize, non-apologists are trying to manage their emotions. They are often comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance, and experience emotional closeness and vulnerability to be extremely threatening.
Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry. This is a passive-aggressive apology done to silence the other person and move onto a different topic. It minimizes what the other person has experienced. Im sorry but But is a qualifier. If a person cannot say sorry without adding a but, then they are not sorry.
Start by telling the person you appreciate their apology and their willingness to make amends. This could be a simple, “Thank you for apologizing” or “I appreciate your apology, thank you.” Listen sincerely.
"But if you type 'I'm sorry' and hit Send, nothing happens." In other words, while texting an apology isn't exactly a "toxic gesture," she said, it does strip you of your ability to train and strengthen your empathy muscles.
Most of our apologies are entirely selfish, not intended for the person we've wronged in some way. They're just stepping stones for us to feel better about ourselves. Your apology is sometimes just a manipulation. Stop trying to force the people you love to say you did nothing wrong.
Reaching out to apologize to an ex for your hurtful actions can be really meaningful to them, as long as it's about making them feel validated and not just about clearing your own conscience. Sometimes it can also be helpful to let your ex know the ways they've hurt you.
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner, fearful that you will 'overreact' to something and set them off, or fearful that you will get into a fight and they will project on to you, then this is a sign that you are being gaslighted.
A few indications that you might be a victim of gaslighting are constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling confused about what did and did not occur, not telling other people in your life about the conflict in your relationship, constantly apologizing and despite having many positive things in your life, feeling ...
Gaslighting is psychological abuse through verbal, written, and/or physical actions that cause the recipient to question their reality. A non-apology is used to deflect, pretend to apologize, and ultimately win the disagreement by placing blame back on the individual.
Weak apologies show a lack of effort to take care of a situation. They make a person appear reluctant to take responsibility or look out for the well-being of others.
Know When to Apologize
The sooner you do, the sooner you can work on repairing the damage and rebuilding your relationship. If you wait too long (or don't apologize at all), you risk losing your relationship with the person you offended. You may also damage your reputation.
Apologizing once is good. Apologizing twice might be useful to emphasize the sincerity of the regret. But apologizing more than twice erases the apology. It shifts the apology from being concerned about the other person's feelings to dwelling on the apologizer's guilt.